The Fickle Finger of Fate

I am holding my breath and I dare not think it. I dare not say it out loud, lest you are only a dream.

I dreamt of a child two weeks ago.
A child who was older, who had come to live with us.
Who appeared magically and suddenly.
I remembered telling Daddy, there is a child.
It was new to me. And I wasn't altogether comfortable.
I wondered to myself where this child had come from.
But the child was familiar to me, even though I didn't know him/her (I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl), and I knew they were here to stay forever, that it wasn't going back.

So, when Meg called and asked me if I was sitting down, I thought we had gotten your meimei.

But it was you.
I dare not speak your name out loud.
Lest you disappear once again.

I never said goodbye

JJ,

You will notice I never said good bye. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it was because I never believed it was good bye. It was the way it ended.

I wondered.

A part of me still believed.

I 'm not sure what or who or why I believed. I am not sure when I thought we would be reconnected. Occasionally, we would hear from Meg at the agency that you never came back into the system. Part of me thought someone in China had wanted you and that was why China said no. I hoped for you it was true.

Part of me thought we would get to China for your mei mei and you would be waiting for us. I guess that might still be true but will you be waiting with us?

Meg called yesterday. China wanted to know if we still wanted you. There was not moment of hesitation. Of course we did. Ma ma and I have been running crazy since the call yesterday. We still don't fully believe it. We are afraid to tell anyone that maybe you will be coming home.

We are waiting until we redo some paperwork and get final approval. However, if Meg and Lillian have their way we might be coming to Beijing this summer. I hope you are ready for a roller coaster, because if it is true. If you are coming. If it is going to be as fast as they think. Hang on because all of us are going to be moving at Boris speed. Boris is our male kitty that goes like 70 miles an hour in everything then crashes and sleep. Kinda sounds like dad.

I think you felt our presence and never let it go and we will never let you go.

Dad.