A Full Day

Well, we didn't go visit Auntie Amanda after all. Instead we stayed home and did all sorts of stuff together.

We broke down the big cardboard boxes that the shed came in. You watched me for a while and then you proclaimed that you had a better idea and you could do it faster, etc. So I gave you one of the large boxes you went at it.

And at it. And at it. And...

I looked up and you were trying to fold the cardboard into the size of a shopping bag. Uhhhh.... Ummmm.... I don't think that's going to work. We ended up unfolding it and cutting it up the old fashioned way along with the the rest of the boxes that I had done. You learned that Mommy is pretty smart and pretty strong.

We raked the leaves in the driveway by the side of the house and the front lawn. You showed me how to open the far end of the leaf bag by putting it over your head. I showed you how to do it by grabbing the far end and pulling. You thought that was pretty neat.

We got your hair cut. We went to Domani around the corner and when we entered, you said really loudly, "I want a girl." That was pretty funny. We ended up with a 1pm appointment, just enough time for lunch. We went to Anna's for lunch and then back to Domani. And yup. They remembered and gave you a girl. Gula did a great job. Short in the back and sides, a little longer at the top of the head and then longer in front. You looked so handsome! Very fashionable. All the women raved.

You played soccer in the back yard and made a track by raking the leaves into an oval. Then you kicked the ball around and around the track. At one point, you abandoned the soccer ball and ran to all the countries you know about - America, China, Korean, Japan, Canada. The tree was America. And the cincerblocks by the house was Canada. You declared you had to run fast across the ocean (the lawn) to get to Canada. Later, we can talk about how Canada and America are connected and you don't have to cross an ocean!

You said you wanted to do spelling homework. And we sat at the table and went over your spelling list. You have problems with vowels. And I explained that each vowel makes between 3 or 4 sounds. And if you put two vowels together, they sound like one vowel. I told you that every word has at least one vowel so you need to learn them at some point. You said, "oh, maaaannnnnnn." Yup. It was pretty funny. But with practice you will get it. And over time you will memorize all the words. For a kid that is an experiential, tactile learner, I know it will be hard for you. But you will get it.

I made Korean tofu stew for dinner. And you loved it. You sang the song I taught you, "yummy yummy yummy, in my tummy tummy tummy." And then you would rub your belly. You said you love Korean food. And then you remembered the Korean word for "delicious" and said it over and over again. Afterwards, you sat back and proclaimed, "I love Korean food. I am so happy!" That filled my heart and I was so happy, too.

Aunt Anne came to stay for the night with a friend. So you gave her a big hug.
She invited us to dinner but we decided to stay in. Sitting down to dinner, you proclaimed, "so quiet. I don't like so many people. Too much noice." It was pretty funny.

We sat and watched TV before you went to bed. This is becoming a ritual. We snuggle together on one of the couches and we watch a cartoon or a cooking show, your choice, and then you go to bed.

It was really a full day.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

It's You and Me, Kiddo

Daddy went to Philly to run a race with 30 of his best tri friends. Aunt Judi is also running the marathon there and so Daddy thought he would go and support her. He left this afternoon straight from the office but he said he would call you every night. He is really good like that.

So it's just you and me.
Maybe after we get all our work done tomorrow, we might be able to go to NH and visit with Auntie Amanda and stay over. I think you would like that.

Your first hockey game

You and I went to our first hockey game together.
Ok.
Not just together but your very first hockey game ever!

The Bruins were playing the Panthers.
Daddy had bought me these tickets many months ago so we could get out of the house and go together for "date nights." But he couldn't go tonight so we agreed that you could stay out a little late to go to the hockey game.

We had really good seats by where the Zamboni’s came out. And during the first intermission, I saw them and thought about the time that your Daddy gave me a ride on a Zamboni as a surprise. I was so happy and so shocked that I cried. Your daddy was wonderful about giving present and surprises.

You saw the cheerleaders and was "meh" about them.
You saw the little kids who skated during intermission and you were sort of "um... they're so little" about them.
Then you saw Blades, the Bear, and you were so excited!!
You said he was soft and cuddly but really strong.

We left during the second intermission so that you wouldn't stay out too late. It is a school night of course.

Oh. On the way into the parking garage, you held the door for a couple, held the elevator door for them, pushed the button and waited for them to leave first.

The guy was amazed. He couldn't believe how polite and caring you were. He kept saying it over and over and then you thanked him which brought on a whole round of more praises.

Who do you think taught you that? Yup. It was Mama. Daddy has something to do about it, too, but I do remember sitting you down and explaining to you why good manners were so important. And you said you understood. And I am sure that Daddy's and my reminders helped along the way.

On the drive home, you talked about family and how important family is and "outside people" are not the same as family. I asked who told you this and you said you just think a lot and you know this from thinking.

We came home and Daddy came down to put you to bed. You had asked me who bought the tickets and I said that Daddy did. So you thanked Daddy. And he told you that I chose you to go with me.

I hoped you like the hockey game because there is another one in December that I have tickets to. You said you would like to come again.

Love,
Mama

Under the Big Oak Tree

Today we went to the Museum of Science. When I mentioned going, you were so excited. You wanted to go in the afternoon, after lunch.

We went to Spikes for Hot dogs.
That was Daddy's idea.
You and Daddy love hot dogs.

After lunch, Daddy walked home and we went to the museum.
You asked me why Daddy couldn't come.
I said he was busy and had other things to do at home.

At the museum, walked all over the place.
We even went to the 3D Theatre on Sharks.
It was CRAZY!
You and I kept reaching out our hands to touch the fish and the sharks, and we would look at each other and laugh.

After the show, we walked all around again.
And then you said, "I know I know... you have to come. Come."
And you led me into a room with a Big Oak Tree.
You pushed a button and the show started.
It was amazing.

You talked the whole time the recording was in play.
And underneath that Big Oak Tree, you gave me enlightenment and illumination.
Things to think about.
Out of the mouth of babes, as they say.

And I thought to myself... "Budddha reached enlightenment under the Bodhi Tree."
Bodhi Tree sounds a little like Big Oak Tree, doesn't it?

You gave me a gift.
More reason to be present than ever before.

And I love you for it.

Love,
Mama

"You don't have to worry..."

"Mommy? I know you worry."
Worry? I do?"
"Yes. I know."
How do you know?
"Because you are always thinking. Think think think. In your head."
You think so? How do you know?"
"Because you are my mother. And I love you."
Oh.... okay. I love you too.
"I love you forever. I love until you die. And then until I die. I will love you forever. Because you are my Mother and I love you."
Thank you, JJ. That makes me so happy."

"Can I be a king?"

Yes, JJ. You can be anything you want to be.
Really?
Yes. Really.

I told you a story.
Of your great great great.....too many greats to count... grandfather who was a king.
He was an orphan.
Found in a box on the grounds of the emperor's palace.
And the queen and her ladies found him.

The king raised him as he did his own two sons.

When the king died, the first son was supposed to inherit the throne.
But he said my middle brother is better fit than I to rule.
And so, your "great great great.....too many greats to count... grandfather" became the emperor.
And was a part of a great revival during the Silla Dynasty in Korea.

And one day I will take you to see his grave.
It's big and round and thousands of visitors come to his grave.

Yes, JJ.
He was an orphan who rose to be king.
And you can be a king too one day.
You can be whatever you want to be.

Love,
Mama

"You are the best mommy."

Today was a tough day for me. I have been feeling a bit blue and I wasn't doing so well.

You came over and looked up at me.
With those deep, dark brown eyes, wide open, and looked me right in the eyes.
And silently, you leaned into me and gave me a hug.

"I love you, Mommy."
I love you too, JJ.
"You are the best Mommy."
Thank you, JJ. And you are the best son.
"Really?"
Yes.
"I love you, Mommy."

Post Adoption Depression

I have just finished reading the book "Post Adoption Blues."
I should have read it in January.
Your Daddy tried to tell me.

"When the mother is in crisis, the family is in crisis."

I wish I had listened to your Daddy, too.

Post Adoption Depression is the same as Post-Partum depression. And in some ways, it is much worse. It is a legitimate condition that many adoptive parents go through. And it can either rip apart the family or bring it back together, depending on the path that the parents choose. Wow.

Everything I felt was covered in the first two chapters. It gave legitimacy to the horrible way that I was feeling and my mouth grew wider as I read and I thought, "OMG, they are writing about me!"

I guess it is the unspoken truth about adoption. The thing that no one ever talks about. The prevailing beliefs are many, and usually center around the happy doting parents of a brand new child/baby. This book talks about the dark side, the inability to bond or attach with the child you brought into your life. And the struggles to conform to society, the fear that you can't, the panic you feel, and the shame and fear that is provoked and the ensuing paralysis from being able to take action. It also talks about parenting itself and how overwhelming it can be, especially when society judges you in subtle ways without knowing they are doing it. How it affects the marriage, the child and the parents individually.

I think I was falling into this in january. Until it hit in April. And I kept spiraling every more deeply until all i could think about was getting away from it all. And I spoke these horrible thoughts and fears to you father, who I prayed would take care of them gently.

I also read about men falling into depression as well, and struggling on their own. And how it can be so different from the depression of a mother. And in this time, I am sure that your Daddy struggled as much as I did. And I wasn't there for him. Not one bit. And I am sure that was overwhelming to him. And if he is still struggling, now that I am aware of what is going on, I will be there.

So, I am getting help. Talking to a doctor every week about my feelings of depression. At the end of the book there is an exerpt from a standard set of questions - about half a dozen categories with two questions under each. And I answer "yes" to every single one. Except for the one where it asked whether I had thoughts of suicide. I am a survivor and a fighter if nothing else.

So I want you to know that I am on this journey of healing and that I feeling better. I have down days and up days. In fact, I still have ups and down during a single day. But I want to make it clear that I love you. You are my son. And as I come out of my gray fog, I am seeing the beauty and wonderfulness of you, and all the special things that you bring to my life.

I am learning to parent, as all parents do with their first child. And I will make mistakes. I hope you will forgive me on the days that I am too harsh or too tired. And I may not run as fast as Daddy, or play basketball as well as he does, but we can draw, we can start singing, we have danced, and sit quietly and read.

But I will always be here for you. By your side. I will never ever leave you. You are my son.

Love,
Mama

Nov 2 is Election Day

Schools had the day off. So today I had Carrie come in in the morning while I worked. And then at 3pm we went to vote.

You voted today with the help of Mommy. And we voted for the R's. I was so proud.

Afterwards we changed and went to the reservoir to run. On the way, we saw a man holding up a Baker sign. You told him how you had just voted for the "R's". His eyes lit up and he said "good job, young man!" And then you told him about why you voted for the R's. Oh my!

We ran around the reservoir. I let you go ahead. You stopped twice to tie your shoes and you walked twice. But you were fast. And I could see you in your red shorts and white shirt all the way around. Then when you got to the entrance you turned around to get me. You ran me in, telling me about how you're gonna win the marathon one day. And we went home.

It was a good day.

Height and Weight

Today you went to the pulmonary doctor for a brief check up where they weighed and measured you.

So far, you now weigh 59 lbs 5 ounces - 25th percentile. Before you were in the 21st percentile

You are now 4 ft 5 inches tall. this is 41.8th percentile. They didn't tell me where you were before but you were 4ft 4inches before.

Seems like you are catching up and the growth / weight trajectory is on target,

Looks good. :o)
Happy happy!