Post Adoption Depression

I have just finished reading the book "Post Adoption Blues."
I should have read it in January.
Your Daddy tried to tell me.

"When the mother is in crisis, the family is in crisis."

I wish I had listened to your Daddy, too.

Post Adoption Depression is the same as Post-Partum depression. And in some ways, it is much worse. It is a legitimate condition that many adoptive parents go through. And it can either rip apart the family or bring it back together, depending on the path that the parents choose. Wow.

Everything I felt was covered in the first two chapters. It gave legitimacy to the horrible way that I was feeling and my mouth grew wider as I read and I thought, "OMG, they are writing about me!"

I guess it is the unspoken truth about adoption. The thing that no one ever talks about. The prevailing beliefs are many, and usually center around the happy doting parents of a brand new child/baby. This book talks about the dark side, the inability to bond or attach with the child you brought into your life. And the struggles to conform to society, the fear that you can't, the panic you feel, and the shame and fear that is provoked and the ensuing paralysis from being able to take action. It also talks about parenting itself and how overwhelming it can be, especially when society judges you in subtle ways without knowing they are doing it. How it affects the marriage, the child and the parents individually.

I think I was falling into this in january. Until it hit in April. And I kept spiraling every more deeply until all i could think about was getting away from it all. And I spoke these horrible thoughts and fears to you father, who I prayed would take care of them gently.

I also read about men falling into depression as well, and struggling on their own. And how it can be so different from the depression of a mother. And in this time, I am sure that your Daddy struggled as much as I did. And I wasn't there for him. Not one bit. And I am sure that was overwhelming to him. And if he is still struggling, now that I am aware of what is going on, I will be there.

So, I am getting help. Talking to a doctor every week about my feelings of depression. At the end of the book there is an exerpt from a standard set of questions - about half a dozen categories with two questions under each. And I answer "yes" to every single one. Except for the one where it asked whether I had thoughts of suicide. I am a survivor and a fighter if nothing else.

So I want you to know that I am on this journey of healing and that I feeling better. I have down days and up days. In fact, I still have ups and down during a single day. But I want to make it clear that I love you. You are my son. And as I come out of my gray fog, I am seeing the beauty and wonderfulness of you, and all the special things that you bring to my life.

I am learning to parent, as all parents do with their first child. And I will make mistakes. I hope you will forgive me on the days that I am too harsh or too tired. And I may not run as fast as Daddy, or play basketball as well as he does, but we can draw, we can start singing, we have danced, and sit quietly and read.

But I will always be here for you. By your side. I will never ever leave you. You are my son.

Love,
Mama