Dear JJ.

Mommy is home.
I miss you.
I thought of you every single day when I was in India.

Tomorrow I will get you from Dad.
And we have a full day ahead of us.

We will get Ethiopian food for lunch.
I think you will like it.
You eat with your hands.
I don't think you will like that.
LOL.

We have a full day ahead of us.
We will be moving some things into the house and making our hour a home.

I also can't wait to finish the Harry Potter book so that we can watch the movie.
I can't remember if I ever saw it but if I had, I probably would remember since it is supposed to be a huge "spectacular."

I love you.

Love,
Mom.

Dear JJ

I love you.

Love,
Mom

We are all connected

Today JJ learned about the shootings in Arizona.
He said to me, "mommy, all people are together."
I said, "I don't understand."
He said, "if I am bad to you, then I am bad to me."
I waited.
And he said, "If I hurt you, then I hurt me."

I had told him that all of us are connected. That if I hurt someone, then I am hurting myself. I guess you embraced that lesson.

Bruins Night

Tonight we went to see the Bruins versus the Minnesota Wild.

I have never heard of the Wild. They are either an expansion team or I have been buried in the sand more than I thought I have.

I could tell that you are getting more familiar and comfortable with the whole hockey scene.

You wanted your two hotdogs - one with mustard and one with ketchup - with a root beer soda.

You sang the songs, cheered the cheers and clapped your hands.

We left after second period again because it would be 9:30 when we got home.

But I said that next Saturday, we have a day game and you were so happy that you would be able to see a whole game all the way through.

Quite frankly, I was pretty happy about it, too.

Fortune

My fortune: Many people admire your social and physical appearance

JJ's fortune: Expect a change for the better in job or status in the future

At first I thought we should have switched cookies.

Then I thought about it again and it thought it was a foretelling of his future.

I don't know.
But I found it interesting.

Last Day

Decided to go to animal kingdom again.
Said goodbye to John after checking out.
They went to another expensive hotel and will go to Universal
We have a 7-day park pass so decided to use that instead of spending more money.
It was really sad saying goodbye.

Anyway, we get through Animal Kingdom since we don't have the Kim Family with us. LOL. We walk, eat, do a show, walk eat do a show, repeat and then it's time to leave and then we eat dinner at 8, sleep at midnight. It about killed me!

Tonight, JJ and I agreed we will eat dinner early and go to bed early. Phew!
:o)

The Day After Christmas

We all awoke with a jar to Aunt Mia's alarm which she assured me she heard right away or awoke naturally before it went off. Neither of which happened. In fact, I had to poke Aunt Mia really hard several time at which she bounded out of bed to turn the alarm off.

We went to breakfast and I called Aunt Helen to let them know that we were in the lobby at the appointed hour of 8:15.

She told me that they were "just leaving now." And should be here "in ten minutes" which means 20 minutes in Uncle John Time, IF we are lucky.

Interestingly, Aunt Helen had no issue hearing me over my phone while Uncle John could only hear every 3rd word! I think he's going deaf. Jeez.

So we waiting in the lobby and you watch Disney cartoons on the giant TV.

Uncle John arrives almost 20 minutes later. And off we went to Epcot.

After getting into the park, Uncle John took all our park passes to get the fast pass for Soarin'. When we got there the line was short. So we went ahead and did the ride. Then we had a snack and we did the ride again. It was excellent the second time as well.

Then off to Test Track. Uncle John got us fast passes again and Aunt Mia and I went to Mission Space. It simulates a space mission take off. Uncle John said that when it first opened, two people died of heart attacks. Aunt Mia, of course, wanted to do it. And I got roped into it. Then we found out there was and Orange team which is the original and a new Green Team, which is milder. I wanted to do the Green but Mia and John said Orange. I was outvoted. As I stood in line, I hoped I didn't throw up. Egads!

Well then we sat down. They gave us instructions and they locked us in. The panels came down. And then... The door opened and someone told us about technical difficulties and a fast pass for anytime through Dec 31st. Wow! I was so happy. Aunt Mia, on the other hand, was very annoyed.

We went to Mexico to meet you with Uncle John and the rest of the family.

Then off to the Princess Lunch in Norway. Since it was all new to you, you didn't mind. And besides, all the princesses were beautiful which you enjoyed very much.

After the princess lunch, we went to the test track. I explained to you what all dummies were for and what the drawings on the wall meant. You were very interested in not breaking your knee. I have no idea where that came from. So the ride was pretty good! I liked it and you loved it!

Then it was time to go to see the countries. First to Norway to ride the Maelstrom. No idea what it was because I sat this one out and waited in the store where you'd be coming out after the ride.

All day, I'd been dealing with a cramping stomach. I think that it was last night's buffet meal where I ate in excess. And since I haven't eaten like that, my body was rebelling. And then I added the Princess Lunch where I didn't eat much but I thought afterwards, I shouldn't have eaten at all.

So I waited in line with you until you went in, told you to be good and to stop the ghetto dancing (really) and said I'd meet you when you came out.

Then we went to China and you made no reaction. Uncle John and Aunt Helen were surprised so I explained that although you're from China, you had very little exposure to China as a country or a culture. Then they understood.

After that, off to Japan where we got some gummy candies.

It was freezing with the water blowing off the water and so high tailed it out of there to Downtown Disney.

We hit the bathroom at T-Rex which is like the Rainforest Cafe except only with dinosaurs and much louder, if you can imagine that. And then off to the World of Disney to get some shopping.

You picked out gifts for people and for sharing and a couple of hats for yourself. You were perfectly happy with the Mickey Mouse ears until I told you that you couldn't wear them all the time. So picked out a baseball cap for everyday wear. LOL.

Then out of the mayhem, through the cold, to the car and off to dinner at Amura, a Japanese Korean restaurant the Uncle John and Aunt Helen like to go to whenever they're here, which is at least once a year, if not twice. Really. They come here that much.

After dinner, Uncle John drove us back to our hotel. Aunt Mia is leaving in the morning so there was a round of goodbyes. But since we are leaving in the afternoon, we will be seeing them around noon when they come by to get our two 7-day tickets. Why waste perfectly good and perfectly expensive tickets, right?

Of course there is a lot of snow in Boston right now. So we'll see if you and I fly out tomorrow. Can't change Mother Nature so I'm not stressing. Worst case is we camp out at the airport. Best case is that we get a hotel room.

Merry Christmas

It was a wonderful day today.
I guess the only thing that would have made it perfect would have been your Daddy being with us.

This morning, we woke up around 7. And we got ready for the day. We had breakfast in Mara again. $21 for the three of us sure beat the $21 per person breakfast buffet in Boma! Mara is such a great little find!

We took the bus and headed to the Magic Kingdom. It was interesting since you didn't know what Disney was or any of the pop culture of Mickey, Minnie and all the other characters. I think to you it first seemed like a busy place with so much new, in fact everything was new, to you that you were just sort of in a daze without understanding any of it. I hope you don't think it's another town in America. I want you to know how special this place is.

We started on Main Street. We spied out some gifts for Ye Ye, Nai Nai, your class For Sharing Day, Emma, Rachel, etc. Daddy was kind of hard since you said he likes the iPhone and FOOTBALL!!! I said we'd keep looking.

Then we hit Tomorrow Land. And we did the Laugh Factory. I was skeptical but it was really funny. Unfortunately, while you thought it was funny in your own way, you didn't really understand what the rest of us were laughing at.

Then we discovered the beauty if the Fast Pass where you register for a ride and they tell you when to come back. You get to go into a special line that zips you through without waiting in a long line.

And let me tell you about the lines. OH MY! They were LONG. And it was complete MAYHEM. So many people! On Christmas! Who knew??

We rode the People Mover and saw the Carousel of Progress which I narrated for you as we went because you didn't know anything about retro America. You did a great job of trying to understand it all.

We also rode the Mad Hatter Party teacup ride.

We then met Uncle John, Aunt Helen, cousins Gina and Hannah at the Peter Pan ride. We didn't do the ride. We had lunch instead.

Your meeting with Hannah and Gina was interesting. You turned 3 shades of pink and didn't talk for a few hours. I explained that it was because you thought they were so beautiful and had been waiting to meet them since the first day he saw their pictures. Other than Niles's sister, Celina, you haven't said anyone else is beautiful other than Hannah and Gina. I told Aunt Mia at least I wasn't too worried about you bringing home an ugly girl! LOL.

After lunch we went to see the PhilharMagic which was 3D and pretty surprisingly good! After that we went to Adventure Land and road the Jungle Cruise and then the Pirates of the Carribean.

With snack, bathroom breaks, hanging out, etc, that took up most of the day.

And somewhere in between, you and Gina became fast friends, holding hands through the park, and playing rocks, paper, scissors. You also played with Hannah and took good care of her. I took a couple of really good picture of you guys, one of which you said you wanted and which I will frame for the house.

Around 5:30, we decided to go to Downtown Disney. So we took the ferry boat over to the parking lot trams. Before we boarded the ferry, I took some pretty panaramic pictures of the Grand Floridian where your Daddy and I stayed one year when we brought Ye Ye and Nai Nai to Disney World. We will come here again with Ye Ye and Nai Nai one day so they can enjoy the parks with you!

By the time we got to the car, it was 6:15pm. I knew going to Downtown Disney was either unrealistic or ill-advised so we ended up back at our resort and we all had a fabulous buffet at Boma. Uncle John treated us to dinner. That was so nice of him!

Then it was back to the room and into bed for you at 8:30pm. Just in time!

I knew early on you liked the Magic Kingdom because you said "next year, we come back.". The first time was on Main Street around 10am! And then a couple more times during the day. I finally said, "maybe. And maybe we bring Ye Ye and Nai Nai next time.". And you thought that would be a good thing to do!

And You're Going to Disney!

Today, you and Mommy flew to Disney World. Mommy and Daddy told you about it at dinner last night. You were excited. But you weren't as excited as you would have been if you actually knew what Disney is.

We took Jetblue. And at check in, we were so nice that the ticket agent gave us premium seats in row 2 without charging us an upgrade fee! She said we were so nice that she wanted to give us a present. That meant we were first on and first off the plane. Wow. Merry Christmas to us!

We checked into the Animal Kingdom Lodge in a Savannah Overlook look. And when we got into our room, there was a big picture glass window. And through it we saw a giraffe, wildebeasts and zebras. We saw animals all along the windows as we roamed the hotel lobby and the hallways!

We took pictures with Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse in front of the big holiday tree. And then you had a picture taken in Santa's big chair. He wasn't there to see it!

We went downstairs to Mara and had some snacks. And when we went upstairs we saw Santa!! Wow! So we stood in line and you had a picture taken with Santa. And you asked him for a race car. Then we took a picture of you, me and Santa all together. It was so much fun! Good thing Mommy got her camera fixed! We won't tell Santa that you sat in his chair, either.

Then we went to the Animal Kingdom to get our tickets to the parks. We went there because it's the closest to our hotel. We also talked to Aunt Mia who had just landed and was headed back to the hotel.

While we waited in line for the hotel bus, you struck up a friendship with the nice lady in line next to us. She told you all about the meerkats that reminded her of ferrets. Of course, you had no idea what she was talking about. Lol. But you told her that your favorite animal was the giraffe, which you saw outside the hotel room window.

The bus was crowded. Standing room only. I put you on my lap and let and older lady take my seat. Halfway to the hotel, Mommy's phone fell out of her pocket and dropped to the floor. And as we looked for it in the dark, a little girl in front of us picked it up by the light of her sister's iPhone and gave it to me.

You looked at me and said, "you help the lady and she (pointing to the little girl) helped you."
I said, "yes she did. So nice, wasn't it?"
And you said, "all the people in the world help each other. No bad people."

We got to the hotel and waited for Aunt Mia. Neither of us were hungry.

Aunt Mia showed up and we went to the room and chatted with her while she unpacked. She gave you a huge, tight hug when she first saw you.

Aunt Mia unpacked and talked to Uncle John on the phone. Then we went back to Mara for a quick bite. I still wasn't hungry. But you decided to get the flat bread pizza which was quite tasty.

Then we sat and talked and waited for Uncle John. Because that's what we always do - wait for Uncle John. And you will find out just how true that is.

And you will also notice that Aunt Mia eats all day long. Tiny little portions. But it's constant. And not exactly nutritious.

Did I mention we waited a long time for Uncle John? Hmm. Yup. We did. Didn't want to leave that out.

So after waiting for Uncle John, we decided to go up to the lobby and call him. At 8:30, he and Aunt Mia went back and forth on the phone for 15 minutes until Aunt Mia hung up on him. He was 30 minutes away still and I was too tired and you had to go to bed because as a morning kid, I knew you'd get up early even if you went to bed late and with the cough you have - well, I wanted you to get some rest!

So round and round went Aunt Mia and Uncle John. Will we meet in a park? Where in the park? In the lobby? Can he come to the lobby because he can't decide which park or where etc etc etc.

After a very deep breath, Aunt Mia went outside to call Uncle John again to get a better cell signal. Oh my goodness. Evidently he'd just been yelling at her telling her he can't hear her and that my phone coverage sucks. Uh...It not MY phone! LOL.

That's the other thing about Uncle John. He is very disorganized and late to everything.

So in the end, Uncle John suggested what Aunt Mia and I were thinking all along, which is that WE'D get up and do whatever. And they can do whatever. And then we can call each other and sync up and meet wherever. Totally casual, which is what Aunt Mia and I like to do.

Needless to say, we all went to bed late.

Tomorrow we will try to visit Magic Kingdom. And if they are at capacity early which is the rumor, then we will got to Hollywood or Epcot. No worries!

Yin Yu Tang House

Today we visited the Peabody Essex Museum and visited the Yin Yu Tang House.
Aunt Lilly told Mommy about it and then I read about it and wanted to go.
I thought you would enjoy it as well since it was Chinese.

The house had been brought over from China piece by piece and then put together exactly as it had stood in China. In fact, when they first put the courtyard together, the floors were too even so they had to take it all apart and put it back together again with uneven floors. That was very interesting to hear.

We visited the rooms and for the first time, you saw the inside of a Chinese family house. Actually, it was your second Chinese family house because you had been in your second mommy's house in Shanghai when you were adopted there. I haven't asked if that house looked the same as this house we saw.

I explained a lot of things to you and I think you understood most of it.

After seeing the house, we had lunch in the courtyard cafe. We had sandwiches, which you liked.

Then, we saw an exhibit of the artifacts from the Forbidden City brought all the way over from China. You didn't seem that interested in this exhibit. I think it's because everything was behind glass and you like to touch things. In the house, you could actually sit inside the rooms and touch some things so it was more intersting to you. Anyway, I also don't think you could relate to what the artifacts actually represented since you were not told anything about Chinese history, only about Chairman Mao. And even then, it was just a tiny little bit and a song you sang.

Afterwards, you wanted to roam the halls and rooms full of other exhibits. So we pretty much stayed the whole day and saw pretty much everything. You were interested in EVERYTHING. I was facinated with your fascination.

Then we drove home.
And on the way, you told me that it was a very good day.
A very very good day.
And you had a really really good time.

I was so happy.

A Full Day

Well, we didn't go visit Auntie Amanda after all. Instead we stayed home and did all sorts of stuff together.

We broke down the big cardboard boxes that the shed came in. You watched me for a while and then you proclaimed that you had a better idea and you could do it faster, etc. So I gave you one of the large boxes you went at it.

And at it. And at it. And...

I looked up and you were trying to fold the cardboard into the size of a shopping bag. Uhhhh.... Ummmm.... I don't think that's going to work. We ended up unfolding it and cutting it up the old fashioned way along with the the rest of the boxes that I had done. You learned that Mommy is pretty smart and pretty strong.

We raked the leaves in the driveway by the side of the house and the front lawn. You showed me how to open the far end of the leaf bag by putting it over your head. I showed you how to do it by grabbing the far end and pulling. You thought that was pretty neat.

We got your hair cut. We went to Domani around the corner and when we entered, you said really loudly, "I want a girl." That was pretty funny. We ended up with a 1pm appointment, just enough time for lunch. We went to Anna's for lunch and then back to Domani. And yup. They remembered and gave you a girl. Gula did a great job. Short in the back and sides, a little longer at the top of the head and then longer in front. You looked so handsome! Very fashionable. All the women raved.

You played soccer in the back yard and made a track by raking the leaves into an oval. Then you kicked the ball around and around the track. At one point, you abandoned the soccer ball and ran to all the countries you know about - America, China, Korean, Japan, Canada. The tree was America. And the cincerblocks by the house was Canada. You declared you had to run fast across the ocean (the lawn) to get to Canada. Later, we can talk about how Canada and America are connected and you don't have to cross an ocean!

You said you wanted to do spelling homework. And we sat at the table and went over your spelling list. You have problems with vowels. And I explained that each vowel makes between 3 or 4 sounds. And if you put two vowels together, they sound like one vowel. I told you that every word has at least one vowel so you need to learn them at some point. You said, "oh, maaaannnnnnn." Yup. It was pretty funny. But with practice you will get it. And over time you will memorize all the words. For a kid that is an experiential, tactile learner, I know it will be hard for you. But you will get it.

I made Korean tofu stew for dinner. And you loved it. You sang the song I taught you, "yummy yummy yummy, in my tummy tummy tummy." And then you would rub your belly. You said you love Korean food. And then you remembered the Korean word for "delicious" and said it over and over again. Afterwards, you sat back and proclaimed, "I love Korean food. I am so happy!" That filled my heart and I was so happy, too.

Aunt Anne came to stay for the night with a friend. So you gave her a big hug.
She invited us to dinner but we decided to stay in. Sitting down to dinner, you proclaimed, "so quiet. I don't like so many people. Too much noice." It was pretty funny.

We sat and watched TV before you went to bed. This is becoming a ritual. We snuggle together on one of the couches and we watch a cartoon or a cooking show, your choice, and then you go to bed.

It was really a full day.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

It's You and Me, Kiddo

Daddy went to Philly to run a race with 30 of his best tri friends. Aunt Judi is also running the marathon there and so Daddy thought he would go and support her. He left this afternoon straight from the office but he said he would call you every night. He is really good like that.

So it's just you and me.
Maybe after we get all our work done tomorrow, we might be able to go to NH and visit with Auntie Amanda and stay over. I think you would like that.

Your first hockey game

You and I went to our first hockey game together.
Ok.
Not just together but your very first hockey game ever!

The Bruins were playing the Panthers.
Daddy had bought me these tickets many months ago so we could get out of the house and go together for "date nights." But he couldn't go tonight so we agreed that you could stay out a little late to go to the hockey game.

We had really good seats by where the Zamboni’s came out. And during the first intermission, I saw them and thought about the time that your Daddy gave me a ride on a Zamboni as a surprise. I was so happy and so shocked that I cried. Your daddy was wonderful about giving present and surprises.

You saw the cheerleaders and was "meh" about them.
You saw the little kids who skated during intermission and you were sort of "um... they're so little" about them.
Then you saw Blades, the Bear, and you were so excited!!
You said he was soft and cuddly but really strong.

We left during the second intermission so that you wouldn't stay out too late. It is a school night of course.

Oh. On the way into the parking garage, you held the door for a couple, held the elevator door for them, pushed the button and waited for them to leave first.

The guy was amazed. He couldn't believe how polite and caring you were. He kept saying it over and over and then you thanked him which brought on a whole round of more praises.

Who do you think taught you that? Yup. It was Mama. Daddy has something to do about it, too, but I do remember sitting you down and explaining to you why good manners were so important. And you said you understood. And I am sure that Daddy's and my reminders helped along the way.

On the drive home, you talked about family and how important family is and "outside people" are not the same as family. I asked who told you this and you said you just think a lot and you know this from thinking.

We came home and Daddy came down to put you to bed. You had asked me who bought the tickets and I said that Daddy did. So you thanked Daddy. And he told you that I chose you to go with me.

I hoped you like the hockey game because there is another one in December that I have tickets to. You said you would like to come again.

Love,
Mama

Under the Big Oak Tree

Today we went to the Museum of Science. When I mentioned going, you were so excited. You wanted to go in the afternoon, after lunch.

We went to Spikes for Hot dogs.
That was Daddy's idea.
You and Daddy love hot dogs.

After lunch, Daddy walked home and we went to the museum.
You asked me why Daddy couldn't come.
I said he was busy and had other things to do at home.

At the museum, walked all over the place.
We even went to the 3D Theatre on Sharks.
It was CRAZY!
You and I kept reaching out our hands to touch the fish and the sharks, and we would look at each other and laugh.

After the show, we walked all around again.
And then you said, "I know I know... you have to come. Come."
And you led me into a room with a Big Oak Tree.
You pushed a button and the show started.
It was amazing.

You talked the whole time the recording was in play.
And underneath that Big Oak Tree, you gave me enlightenment and illumination.
Things to think about.
Out of the mouth of babes, as they say.

And I thought to myself... "Budddha reached enlightenment under the Bodhi Tree."
Bodhi Tree sounds a little like Big Oak Tree, doesn't it?

You gave me a gift.
More reason to be present than ever before.

And I love you for it.

Love,
Mama

"You don't have to worry..."

"Mommy? I know you worry."
Worry? I do?"
"Yes. I know."
How do you know?
"Because you are always thinking. Think think think. In your head."
You think so? How do you know?"
"Because you are my mother. And I love you."
Oh.... okay. I love you too.
"I love you forever. I love until you die. And then until I die. I will love you forever. Because you are my Mother and I love you."
Thank you, JJ. That makes me so happy."

"Can I be a king?"

Yes, JJ. You can be anything you want to be.
Really?
Yes. Really.

I told you a story.
Of your great great great.....too many greats to count... grandfather who was a king.
He was an orphan.
Found in a box on the grounds of the emperor's palace.
And the queen and her ladies found him.

The king raised him as he did his own two sons.

When the king died, the first son was supposed to inherit the throne.
But he said my middle brother is better fit than I to rule.
And so, your "great great great.....too many greats to count... grandfather" became the emperor.
And was a part of a great revival during the Silla Dynasty in Korea.

And one day I will take you to see his grave.
It's big and round and thousands of visitors come to his grave.

Yes, JJ.
He was an orphan who rose to be king.
And you can be a king too one day.
You can be whatever you want to be.

Love,
Mama

"You are the best mommy."

Today was a tough day for me. I have been feeling a bit blue and I wasn't doing so well.

You came over and looked up at me.
With those deep, dark brown eyes, wide open, and looked me right in the eyes.
And silently, you leaned into me and gave me a hug.

"I love you, Mommy."
I love you too, JJ.
"You are the best Mommy."
Thank you, JJ. And you are the best son.
"Really?"
Yes.
"I love you, Mommy."

Post Adoption Depression

I have just finished reading the book "Post Adoption Blues."
I should have read it in January.
Your Daddy tried to tell me.

"When the mother is in crisis, the family is in crisis."

I wish I had listened to your Daddy, too.

Post Adoption Depression is the same as Post-Partum depression. And in some ways, it is much worse. It is a legitimate condition that many adoptive parents go through. And it can either rip apart the family or bring it back together, depending on the path that the parents choose. Wow.

Everything I felt was covered in the first two chapters. It gave legitimacy to the horrible way that I was feeling and my mouth grew wider as I read and I thought, "OMG, they are writing about me!"

I guess it is the unspoken truth about adoption. The thing that no one ever talks about. The prevailing beliefs are many, and usually center around the happy doting parents of a brand new child/baby. This book talks about the dark side, the inability to bond or attach with the child you brought into your life. And the struggles to conform to society, the fear that you can't, the panic you feel, and the shame and fear that is provoked and the ensuing paralysis from being able to take action. It also talks about parenting itself and how overwhelming it can be, especially when society judges you in subtle ways without knowing they are doing it. How it affects the marriage, the child and the parents individually.

I think I was falling into this in january. Until it hit in April. And I kept spiraling every more deeply until all i could think about was getting away from it all. And I spoke these horrible thoughts and fears to you father, who I prayed would take care of them gently.

I also read about men falling into depression as well, and struggling on their own. And how it can be so different from the depression of a mother. And in this time, I am sure that your Daddy struggled as much as I did. And I wasn't there for him. Not one bit. And I am sure that was overwhelming to him. And if he is still struggling, now that I am aware of what is going on, I will be there.

So, I am getting help. Talking to a doctor every week about my feelings of depression. At the end of the book there is an exerpt from a standard set of questions - about half a dozen categories with two questions under each. And I answer "yes" to every single one. Except for the one where it asked whether I had thoughts of suicide. I am a survivor and a fighter if nothing else.

So I want you to know that I am on this journey of healing and that I feeling better. I have down days and up days. In fact, I still have ups and down during a single day. But I want to make it clear that I love you. You are my son. And as I come out of my gray fog, I am seeing the beauty and wonderfulness of you, and all the special things that you bring to my life.

I am learning to parent, as all parents do with their first child. And I will make mistakes. I hope you will forgive me on the days that I am too harsh or too tired. And I may not run as fast as Daddy, or play basketball as well as he does, but we can draw, we can start singing, we have danced, and sit quietly and read.

But I will always be here for you. By your side. I will never ever leave you. You are my son.

Love,
Mama

Nov 2 is Election Day

Schools had the day off. So today I had Carrie come in in the morning while I worked. And then at 3pm we went to vote.

You voted today with the help of Mommy. And we voted for the R's. I was so proud.

Afterwards we changed and went to the reservoir to run. On the way, we saw a man holding up a Baker sign. You told him how you had just voted for the "R's". His eyes lit up and he said "good job, young man!" And then you told him about why you voted for the R's. Oh my!

We ran around the reservoir. I let you go ahead. You stopped twice to tie your shoes and you walked twice. But you were fast. And I could see you in your red shorts and white shirt all the way around. Then when you got to the entrance you turned around to get me. You ran me in, telling me about how you're gonna win the marathon one day. And we went home.

It was a good day.

Height and Weight

Today you went to the pulmonary doctor for a brief check up where they weighed and measured you.

So far, you now weigh 59 lbs 5 ounces - 25th percentile. Before you were in the 21st percentile

You are now 4 ft 5 inches tall. this is 41.8th percentile. They didn't tell me where you were before but you were 4ft 4inches before.

Seems like you are catching up and the growth / weight trajectory is on target,

Looks good. :o)
Happy happy!

5K

This morning, you ran your first 5k Race.
It was a family affair.
Nai Nai and Ye Ye were there.
Daddy ran with his BAA friends.
And I ran too.

You and I started out together for the first .25 miles.
I could tell you were clearly holding back.
And I noticed you would run ahead a little, look back, stop and wait for me.

I couldn't hold you back.
So I caught up with you and I said, "JJ, you run. Run ahead without Mama."
And you looked at me a little worried and said, "you?"
And I said, "you go run as fast you want to. Just stay with all of the running people. And I will see you when I get to the finish line."
He seemed a little worried but I said,"you can do this. Mama would be so proud."

And so he ran. I watched his form ahead of me. So free and so beautiful. And so soon out of sight. And I cried a small tear thinking about it.

My first motherly act.
Amazing.
Letting you go and watching you run ahead.
While worrying about you.
This came out of the blue.
And I thought of the future when I would have to release you to High School, to driving, first dance, first drink, to college, to your bride, and God willing that I should be alive, to your first child. I thought of all the firsts to come and felt a lump in my throat.

You met me at the finish with Nai Nai and Ye Ye.

At the end you won the 19yrs and under age group award for First Place.

I was so proud.

Love,
Mama

Like Brothers

After an outing with Niles and his family, Nile's mom sent me this:

JJ to Niles: I think we’re like brothers. When I’m 18, I’m going to buy a house and you will buy a house and we’ll be neighbors. We can play games every day then!

So funny.

Do you know what love is?

I asked you today, if you knew what love was.
You said, "Yes."

When I asked you how you knew, you told me that there was no one to love at the orphanage but you have people to love now.

And you said you know because, "I feel it in my heart."

Love is a universal Language.

First Day at Devotion

Today you started your first day at a new school, Devotion School, which is four blocks from the house. This summer every time we walked by it, we would both point and talk about how you will be going there. You were looking forward to it.

It has walls, not an open classroom like Pierce.
I am hoping you will thrive in this new environment.

Love,
Mama

Now you're a Complete American

After two months of documentation flowing back and forth between me and the American Government, proving you are not stolen, illegal or purchased illegally (you were legal :o) ) we received your official American Passport in the mail yesterday.

You are indeed fortunate. This is a document that people have forged, bought, stolen, and begged for, all the world over. Some have died trying to get it while others have killed for it. And for the rest of us who get it the traditional way, they must wait years. Sometimes tens of years. I wanted 15 years.

And you got it for just BEING. Yes. You are truly fortunate.

I hope you respect this right to be an American, treasure it always, never abuse it, and make this country proud. You have a long way to go to earning this gift. And it is a gift. As an immigrant and having visited the country of my birth, as well as other countries where "coming to America" is a goal in and of itself, I am passionate about paying back for this gift every single day.

You are unspeakably fortunate. And one day, you'll understand.
But knowing you, I think you probably already do.

Love,
Mama

Pain Response

I have noticed that you have a high tolerance for pain. When we first got home, you were pretty much ok being given shots, being poked and prodded and then getting your teeth pulled all of the pain that goes along with that.

You didn't really say much the first few times. You didn't cry, moan or whine, either. But once, Daddy said that you were not crying out but you had a few tears coming down your cheeks when you were given the shot at the dentist. Maybe the need hit a nerve or a bad spot, or maybe the local didn't take effect as well. Who knows. But we knew that you really felt it because you have a high pain tolerance. But is that still the case?

The last time I went with you to the dentist (I think it was your 6th or 7th teeth to be pulled), you moaned and groaned and tensed your shoulders and gripped the dental assistant's hands so tight that your fingers turned white.

All of the prior times, you were pretty stoic about it. I have read that due to the way pain is managed in China when orphanage kids have surgeries (sometimes no pain medications afterward) and the possible cultural differences in pain management, they have to live through the pain of post surgery. So you get used to it and build up a tolerance.

I also imagine that you don't have these emotion-filled Mama's and Baba's who sit next to you massaging your legs and hands, crying along with you. Not that I would do such a thing to begin with. Anyway, I imagine that the Nannies had too many children to be able to sit and coddle any single individual when so many were probably sick at any given time, while other children ran around in mayhem. Of course, that's controlled mayhem because the institution, from my understanding, is a very strict, regimented and militaristic place.

I remember when I was younger, the only thing I got for a stomach ache was a tummy rubbing to calm down the muscles of the abdomen. Other than that? Nothing.

So it was interesting to me that over time, your pain tolerance seems to be decreasing by a notch. And I mean a hair of a notch because it's still pretty high. But then I wonder because the last time you got a scratch on your elbow from fall down at school, you whined and complained enough that I told you to that it is supposed to hurt, and it's good that you have another elbow. You laughed at that idea.

Could it be that the attention you get from the dentist's office, or the touching and hand squeezing you get from the assistant is something that you crave, so physically, your body adapts to that change and it allows you to feel more pain?

Regardless, it will be interesting to see if your pain tolerance continues to go down. I know it will plateau at some point. Probably won't go too low though due to early training and early expectations.

Another Tooth Pull

Today you went to the dentist for another tooth pull. I think it might be your 6th or 7th. There have been so many, I've lost count.

This one came by order of the Cleft Dentist, Dr. Kennedy.
Turns out that there was an abscess on your tooth and when Dr. Defeo pulled your lip up to show me, there was a white pustule at the fold of your gums where your lip and gums come together. It looked painful. She said that it sometimes happens when the tooth has decay but the adult canines start to push down on the tooth and the roots start to erode (which is normal). That canine had already started to wiggle anyway.

You got a big shot with a big needle and you got all nervous and agitated but afterwards, you laughed about how your mouth felt bit but it didn't look big.

The more language you get, the more you complain, too. Instead of sitting still, you moaned and groaned like this was your first time going through it. The only thing that I can think of is that you are more comfortable with me and are no longer afraid that if you start to make noise that we won't love you or that we will send you back to China. But I did remind you that it was no different than the first few times when you didn't make any noise at all. So, I told you to suck it up or it was gonna hurt worse - which the doctor also confirmed. "Don't move, Jasper..."

After I dropped you off from school, the school nurse called and about 10 minutes later and told me that it was "bleeding considerably." Uh, he got his tooth pulled. Keep the gauze in. She said she had already changed it. So I told her that it was not supposed to be disturbed for 15 minutes and obviously it wasn't 15 minutes and you've changed it so,uh, of course it is bleeding.

So, this time you got two stickers and a toy from the toy drawer for your troubles.
You seemed happy enough about it in the end.

Golf

I remember once when you wanted to turn the channel because it was on golf and you thought it was boring. Unfortunately, Daddy was watching and you got a pretty good lecture about how just because you thought something was boring didn't mean that everyone else thought so. And of course, I was pretty appalled because you has no respect and because you had forgotten your rank in the family. LOL. At least until another "youngest member" joins the family. LOL. If ever. Haha!

Anyway, you discovered that golf is pretty interesting when you're there watching in person.

We went to Muirfield for The Memorial Tournament. We got there 2 or 3 days later than usual which is a good thing. We basically followed KJ Choi, which meant that you walked all over a very hilly golf course. According to my calculations you walked anywhere between five and seven miles a day. And that doesn't include the running around you did off the course.

And you were well rewarded by getting three balls from KJ Choi and one from DJ Trahan. Ok. So DJ Trahan was way down the list but he made the cut which means something. And KJ? Well he's a great golfer. He won the tournament one year! And of course, Mama and Baba immediately took the ball from you for safe keeping. LOL. And when you said you wanted to play with them, we gave you the hairy eyeball. LOL.

You were also very good during the trip. You played with Alex and told me that you had a classmate named Alex, too. In fact, she liked you so much that she came back the next day because she wanted to "see the little kid.". LOL. Pretty funny.

And you weren't a bratty little kid. Not that you ever are. In fact, you are pretty "invisible" wherever you go since you are so good and well-behaved. Of course, your good manners make Mama VERY happy! :o))

Hopefully you will like watching golf on TV now. If not, too bad. Because we watch a lot of it! Haha.

Random Thought: Game Boy

Thank God for the Game Boy.
It's 15 years old.
But it still works.
Especially during a long and boring graduation ceremony.
Tough for a 9 year old boy to sit through.

Big problem

Mama: JJ, we have to stop and get gas.

JJ: Why?

Mama: Because we're running out of gas.

JJ: Ah.

(Pause)

JJ: Car no gas, big problem...

Mama: Yes it is.

(At the gas station, JJ is watching Mama pump gas.)

Mama: Let's see how much gas this thing takes.

(After a while waiting as Mama pumps gas.)

JJ: Wow. Car is empty.

Mama: Yes it is.

JJ: Wow. Car is very very hungry...

Homework? Homework??

Actually no.

Just trying to remember Him, Her, He, She.
50 times.
Next time, it'll be 100!

So, what's the good news for JJ?
No kid ever died from homework!

Suck it up, kid!
LOL!

Meat

Daddy: What did you have for dinner tonight?

JJ: [this, that, veggies, blah blah, etc] and meat

Daddy: Meat? What Meat?

JJ: Don't know.

Daddy: [???]

JJ: come come come [goes to the refrigerator with Carrie right behind
him and pulls out a container]

JJ: Meat

Daddy: That's ham, it's pork, comes from pig.

JJ & Carrie: Ohhhhh.....

Birthday Hoop

Daddy got you a basketball hoop for your birthday. All I have to say is "Thank God for Daddy." It's the perfect gift for a very active little boy.

Thank God.

"Why did my Mama and Baba throw me away?"

It's been interesting. When you and I draw together, you always tell me something or ask me something that is more emotional than why birds fly.

I supposed that is why art therapy and touch therapy really works - it opens up the side of the brain that is more emotion than analytical. And I actually experience it working when we are drawing.

The first time, you told me about your Mama and Baba who threw you away, like the trash, into a trash can.

The second time, you told me about your friend in China, your best friend, the best number one person you knew in the whole world, who sat in a wheel chair with a curved back, no right leg, and a left leg with the heel of the foot growing out of his calf. I imagine that in China, you mostly saw boys with physical impairments and very few boys that we would call "normal boys." You said in China, this was "bad." And asked me, "in America?" And I said, "It's bad in America, too, JJ but most American Mama and Baba's do not throw their babies away like that." I always felt like he was asking me silently if his friend could come here. And I said nothing. I wish I were a better person than I am. But most importantly, I felt there was a veiled question about us throwing him away if he couldn't be fixed.

The last time it happened was this past weekend. We were drawing together and you asked me, "Why my China Mama, Baba throw me away?" In the past you never looked at me. This time, you asked the question and turned to face me.

What do I say? What can I tell you? And I wonder about the deep pain that you might be in to ask these types of questions. To know and be cognizant enough to equate yourself as trash. And then to know that you are worth enough for someone to want you and adopt you and bring you into abundance. What must you be thinking? How must you be feeling? It does tell me that you are not a shallow little boy and that you have the ability to really and truly think and feel. It was something I was afraid you wouldn't be able to do well, or even, at all. For me, THIS is what is required for bonding...

So when you looked at me, I searched your eyes and I said, "I don't know, JJ."
You turned back to draw, and said, "Why? Why throw me away?"
So, I said, "they didn't know you would be such a good boy. And that you could work so hard. And they didn't have enough money to fix your mouth and nose. But you're here with us now. And we will fix you and we all know you are a very good boy and that you work very very hard."

He got up and asked me for a hug.
I wish I knew what you were thinking and feeling at that moment.
But I bet it was less about love than it was about relief.

No matter where you and I are in life and in our relationship...
You matter.
Yes, you do.

One Step Closer to Understanding

The Cleft Team doctor's office called the other day and as luck would have it, Mama was home. And after that conversation, I am thankful that I was.

They were basically confirming a doctor's appointment with the Cleft Team Orthodontist. And we basically started chatting.

The bottom line is that on one day you have three doctor's appointments. THREE. Yes. And since Mama will be in Texas for work, your poor, wonderful, long suffering Daddy would once again be taking you to the hospital alone. Again.

The doctor on the phone thought that you would have your bone graft and P-flap surgery all at the same time. But not sure until they could get another set of xrays to determine the growth of your canines. Evidently, they cannot do the bone graft until your canines are budding. If there is nothing to "anchor" the bone into place, the grafted bone will be "reabsorbed" by the body, leaving behind soft tissue. And since teeth will grow where there is bone, it is important to know when you canines are starting to take root. There are reports of children with cleft that have what I call "barracuda teeth" - rows and rows of teeth with some growing though the roof of the mouth!

She also mentioned that it would include removal of the ear tags, the nose revision, lip revision and the hemifacial microsomia - which she informed me was very very rare - and to have it happen along with cleft, was even more rare. I almost felt like I should feel "special" about it because it was so rare. Uh...

But before the bone graft surgery can be done, they may have to put in the palate expanders. And then you will need a retainer and braces until the surgery. And through the surgery. And then after the surgery you will be into teeth braces - none of which is fully covered by insurance. Ahem.


I told the doctor on the phone that I was worried about your surgery being scheduled in two years when you are 11 years old. There was some confusion because she thought it was going to be sometime at the end of this year. Hmmm. Interesting. But it seems that a lot could be up in the air depending on the growth of your bone. Right then and there I decided that you will be drinking A LOT of milk going forward!

I also know that you need to have your tonsils out before the bone graft and P-flap surgery because the surgeons do not want to have to deal with pushing them out of the way. The ENT appointment is later in May so we will know if you will need to have them removed.

So I explained to the doctor on the phone why I felt the urgency. People are starting to make fun of you. She said that you would have to be really outgoing and develop a really great personality because, Yes, kids are cruel and they will tease but you need to grow a great personality to over come it. I think you have a pretty big personality already and you are not shy or retiring so that's good.

I also said I worried about you having swimming because you have air escaping through your mouth and nose. She told me that I should just let you do what you want to do. And if you fail, then we can explain why but that it is important for us to support you in what you want to do. Got it. Check. No issues with this one.

Then I explained about your speech. There was a long pause and she said, you "are never going to be completely normal." And that you "will always have a slight speech impediment." And that you and I "are going to have to accept it and move on." And that how much of an impediment you have will depend on "how hard you are willing to work at speech." I told her that you are not afraid of hard work, and when we correct you, you will repeat it over and over until you get it as right as you possibly. Of course, that is only when you are consciously practicing ONE WORD. When you talk in sentences, you are still taking too fast, and you slur your words, and don't finish or start them correctly. In fact, if my back is to you, I have no idea what you are saying. And when I am facing you I have to read your lips. She understood this and didn't tell me that I was wrong. She understood and said that was expected.

She also told me about a foundation for children that I will be looking into.

It was really good to talk to her. It was not the news I wanted to hear but now I can move past it. You must work very very hard with the speech doctor later. I keep telling you think and now you are repeating it back to me.

Attachment

It's been an interesting and difficult journey for me in attaching to you. And to think that all I worried about was you attaching to us.

First, I want to say that I am a deeply fallable person. I am also very complex and very contradictory in many ways. I know how deep my imperfection is because I have spent a lifetime trying to get closer to that elusive state of being called "Perfection."

Second, I am writing this down so you can know what your Mama is like. That I am very human and that I was never your saviour or rescuer. And that it's okay to talk about your feelings, no matter how sensitve the topic might be. So that one day when you read this, you will know the journey I went through to reach other side, where one day I do love you with all my heart. And that love will be worth so much more because it took root and clung to the desert of my heart, grew roots and finally bloomed, against all odds.

Third, I will say that right now, I am still on the journey. I am not there yet. And I might be crucified for saying that but the people who throw barbs and stones at this are all liars. They are not brave enough to admit that there are children and babies they don't think are cute, that sometimes they wish they never had their kids, that they wish one day they can just run away from it all. Instead they cover up all this with a blanket of flowers, hiding the worms and bugs that lay beneath. Your Mama is not one of those people.

When we first got you, I think you had decided, "this is it" and you knew you definitely wanted a family. I imagine that you saw all of the little girls in the orgphanage getting adopted and leaving the orphanage. I cannot imagine that when you asked the Nannies why, what they said to you. Because you are not a girl and no one wants boys? Because you are too old and people only want babies? Because you have cleft Lip and Clept Palate and no one wants a "defective child?" I know it sounds harsh but being Chinese isn't far from being Korean in many ways, one of which is that they all want "perfect" children. And in a country where you can only have one child, they will always want that perfect child. In fact, John Andrew, that little boy we saw adopted by another family was given up at the age of two by his family. We assumed because they had a "more perfect and better" little boy.

But you attached to us almost immediately. If you didn't, you put on a good show. You have a great "game face" after all.

I was okay through the first week. Then the second week, and the Honeymoon was definitely over. The ear things started bugging me. I didn't realize that the cleft would be so prominent or that half your nose was smaller than the other. I also didn't realize how you weren't able to talk right. And all of this started to wear on me. In fact, two weeks into it, the the Great Wearing of My Tolerance had started. And I don't have much patience or tolerance to being with.

We got home and things progressively got worse. I was depressed. And I didn't know why I decided to do adoption thing. I was trying to be a better person than I really was. What I really wanted was a little girl. A cute little huggable girl. And I felt cheated because you weren't that. At one point, I told your Daddy that all I wanted was a little girl. And instead, I got an almost-9 year old, not so cute, "defective" boy. And that I was hesitant when we started to adopt you at the age of 5, when you were almost turning 6. But you were cute enough and small enough to tug at my heart. And then two years later at 8 1/2 years old, practically grown, you come into our home, and I felt cheated. I felt cheated out of a little boy, a cute tiny little boy to hold and love. And I was so dejected that I started to question whether I really want to adopt your mei mei. In desperation I had visions of taking you back to China, undoing it all, thinking it was just a bad joke. In fact, I was so doubtful of all of it that I decided not to bring your mei mei home. And so at dinner one night I told you, "maybe we won't go to China to get your mei mei."

"Why??" you asked. You had this confused and plaintive look in your eyes. How could I tell you that I "just wasn't in the mood" for another "kid in the house."

So I said, "because Mama has you. And you are so good that Mama only needs one kid in the family." You thought about that a little bit and I could see your confusion. I don't think you totally bought it. At that point, Daddy walked in and he understood what was going on.

Daddy told me later that we would talk more about it during our vacation in April.
At some point, early into the process, Daddy said to me that maybe all that post partum depression we hear about on the news is something that is real. Something similar to what I was going through. And when I thought about it, the thoughts of escape are real and genuine. I don't condone drowning your babies or "doing away with them" but I could really understand the desperation that some people might go feel and those of a lesser mental state might actually go through with the darkest thoughts. In fact, if I had been a different person, and didn't have someone like your Daddy to blunt the pain, I could actually walk in their shoes and run away. Thoughts of actually packing up and leaving did enter my mind on a couple of ocassions. Thank God I am not that person.

A lot of this also translated to physical pain. The mind body connection is powerful and amazing. I know that my nerves were all frayed, being on end and alert for every little thing, and so that when normal things should be "absorbed" my nerves are totally sensitized and translating it as pain due to all the stress.

What stress?
Truthfully???

Stress of the:

• the job
• the kid
• resentment about all the kids issues, among other things
• having to freakin LOVE you even when I did not feel like it
• trying to be NICE all the damn time and censoring myself
• freaking medical bills (even with the insurance)
• the guilt from all of the above
• inability to work out
• not eating the right foods
• gaining all my weight back
• not being able to talk about anything to anyone without everyone telling me what and how and when I should be and do and feel and think and live, etc
• and a whole host of other things that have been put on hold because, well... basically, because you came home.

You see. No one cares what I think. They only care what they think. And how they feel I should feel about the situation. And people are careless and put themselves on other people without considerations. And it is always so easy to sit in judgment of others. I was so sick and tired of having people say to me:

• Isn't it so special? (Uh... actually, no. It's a pain. What is there to be special about?)
• Isn't he just the best? (I have no idea what "the best" means. He is just a kid. 8 years old, almost 9.)
• Don't you just LOVE HIM? Aren't you JUST in LOVE?? (Actually, No. I do not love him and I am not in love with him either. I am not there yet. I need more time!)

And it wasn't just perople at work but complete strangers and FAMILY. So, at some point, I decided to come out of my personal shame and started talking. Not just to everyone but a few that I know are "specialists" or understand the experience.

All I know is that you are a very lucky boy indeed. And in my mind that was and should really be enough. In China you would have been a ditch digger. In America, we gave you a future. And right now I think that should be enough. And my thinking is that you should be grateful and know how lucky you are. And not waste this opportunity. That is the thinking that I veered toward and it's hard to shake off because it's true. And a tiny piece of me feels that because of the sign you were born under and your personality, that you could very easily wallow in entitlement and taking for granted all the good things that have fallen into your lap.

My friend Maureen, a special ed teacher, told me that she would have been surprised if I had bonded right away. It will take a few years. He is not a young kid and that typically, Mother/Son bonding takes place between the ages of 2 and 4. And that I missed that entire experience and she felt sorry for me.

My doctor, who wasn't surprised said it would take a few years. She couldn't believe that I thought it would be immediate. In fact, it took her about a year with both of her children.

Brian said he has a sister who is very much like me. She didn't adopt; she had her own. And 3 1/2 years later, the bonding is finally happening.

Daddy went to the development doctor with you the other day and told her a little of my issues. She said she wasn't surprised. She told him that this was typical of "extremely successful women..." He took notes and I haven't read them thoroughly yet but I will.

Now there is less stress. I came home from my business trip last week and it finally dawned on me that "JJ is afraid" of me. And I wonder, are you afraid of ME? or are you afraid that you will not be able to make me happy, that you will be returned to the orphanage? In either case, I decided that wasn't a good thing. So I've spent the weekend trying to be more approachable, being more relaxed. And this weekend, you asked me for more hugs than you have in the last 6 months. Yes, you've been here six months.

The next step is to get back to some sort of workout routine so that I stop blaming you for taking away an integral part of who I am. This is vital to controlling my stress and will help keep me from continuing to see you as my jailer.

I think I am starting to come out of the abyss. Realizations are dawning on me. And your Daddy is always there. I can only pray that you will grow up like him. So, I am swimming up through the dark blue waters, and reaching for the glint of sunlight above. I know it's there. I am swmimming toward love and I know I will find it.

April Update

In April, life continue to evolve for you. The biggest thing that happened was your vacation in the Mountains with Ye Ye and Nai Nai. I continue to hope that you will speak better, and say your words correctly. But I am increasingly frustrated. I know that this is not your fault entirely - it is the product of China and cleft and being an orphan, etc. But my frustrations mount and it's a deep spiral of depression, irritation, sadness, disappointment, indifference - rinse, repeat.

You keep talking about your birthday. Which I found was interested. I know that in China (confirmed by Chinese friends) and Korea, we do not celebrate birthdays. We celebrate the first 100 days and then the first year. After that it's really every 10 years. The biggest thing in Korea is to have Seaweed soup for good health and weath. And in China (again, confirmed by Chinese friends lest anyone thinks cynically that I don't know what I am talking about), you eat longevity noodles (for long life).

So I keep asking you how you know about birthdays and you keep not answering me. So I wrote a note to your teacher and she said that when it is your birthday, the kids sometimes bring in little trinkets to pass out to their classmates - like stickers, pencils, erasers, etc. Not all the children participate but some do. Well... I immeidately thought, "of course, we will participate and we will have the best trinkets to give out!" Yes. Your mom is not a little competitive, is she?? There are 22 kids. Okay. Got it.

So other than that, that is all I heard. But then your Daddy said that the kids probably all talk about their birthdays, what they got, the presents, the parties, and the cake. Interesting.

The other thing that happened is the Carrie sent me an email. Basically she said that you were driving her crazy and that's why she keeps looking for another job. GOOD GOD! We cannot lose Carrie!!

She says that in front of us, you work hard. When we are not there, you just talks, plays and do not listen to her. That is why homework takes so long. I wondered about that one. I wondered why you were always doing homework when I got home from work. Carrie said, "he is lazy, he is smart."

I told her the following:

• tell him to be quiet and if he doesn't listen, tell him she will tell mama.
• if he misbehaves, send him to his room and shut the door and let him know that he must behave like a big boy and if he is ready, he can come out (of course, tell me when she has to do this).
• if she does not want to the above, she can move to another, no TV, etc., until he has done some homework

We cannot afford to have Carrie leave. So when we got home, Daddy and I had a nice little chat with you. Daddy told you that must listen to Carrie and what she says goes. And that if she tells you to sit, you must sit. If she tells you to stand on your head, you must stand on your head. Carrie is the boss when Daddy and Mama are not here. And that you must not spend your time saying "ha ha hee hee" and talking and talking about irrelevant things. All while avoiding doing your homework.

You said you understood it. Well... we will see.

I did tell you that if you did not behave, Carrie will leave and never come back. You looked a little surprised but there is cause and effect and you will eventually learn. I know that it was a tough message but I image that we will be telling you this again and again before it is over.

The other thing that I found out was that you have been asking everyone to buy you things and to give you money. We have been having this discussion since we met you in China and although you have stopped asking Mama and Daddy this, you continue to do this to other people. This tells me that

• you know that you shouldn't and still do - because you do it "behind out backs" to put it into a nutshell
• you know the there is a consquence
• you know that it probably isn't right

This culminated with Carrie telling Mama that she didn't want to say anything but that you asked a complete stranger (her friend) to buy you a toy. And that when Carrie tells you "no" you pout, refuse to move (even when Carrie keeps walking and says she is leaving you), and you get whiny and make pouty faces.

This is not acceptable. Mama had a chat with you about this. I basically told you that in America, good children do not do this. You seemed really surprised that I even knew about it. I told you that it is not acceptable behaviour. You said you would not do it again. We will see. Only because I know that parents need to tell the kids the same things repeatedly. So eventually, you will understand it all.

Mama told you that in a couple of weeks, I have another trip to Texas for work. You seemed to take it in stride. I know. It will be a relief to have Mama gone and not always lecturing you for a while. LOL.

I think I need to take better notes for future updates. All I know is all the bad stuff - the things that bug me. I need to start writing down the funny and good stuff that you do. One day. LOL...

One good thing... Daddy was thinking of getting you a basketball hoop for your birthday. Of course I am resigned to a party but it will be an informal open house type of thing - no cake, no singing, no pin the stupid tale on the damn donkey with 50 kids causing mayhem in the house. I would have to leave the house for the weekend at that point. Instead, we will have neighborhood friends and family. You don't know it but Ye Ye and Nai Nai will be here. Good God, I hope you don't pee in your bed the next day! LOLOL!

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 26th

The delivery

Monday morning, Nai Nai helped JJ wake up about 8 a.m.

JJ has very nice manners. We had a talk about how Pikachu would not change.

Some of the other things we did were:

• see in the "bee tree" leaning about bees
• patience while fishing
• bug bites
• in America, eating small pieces
• it is wet grass in the morning in the mountains

The End of Nai Nai's Journal for JJ

Daddy and I picked you Cassidy up at the checkpoint in Palmer where Daddy had transferred you to Ye Ye last Sunday. It was a long ride home. I am sure it was a long ride back for you. At one point, Daddy asked me to look back at you because you were intensely quiet. You seemed okay. Then 5 minutes later, we checked again and you were crying.

You were sad to be leaving Ye Ye and Nai Nai. Not to mention that Mama and Daddy don't talk much after they come back from a relaxing vacation or after a stressful work day. Anyway, it must have been difficult to leave behind a whole week of child centric activity and two people who were all about you and nothing about you. It was a fast transition for you into the real, normal world where things move faster than do in The Mountains.

I asked you what was wrong and at first you didn't want to tell me. But I know. You were probably thinking "I can't believe I have to leave the two people in the world who do nothing but do things for me, to go far away with two other people who don't pay much attention to me." First, welcome to Life. Second, I reached out and patted your leg and told him that you can always tell Mama and Daddy anything - why you are mad, sad, tired, afraid. and that you would never ever get into trouble for telling us. And so, you said, you didn't want to leave Ye Ye and Nai Nai. And then you cried and cried, but gulping sobs and the tears came down in big big drops.

And Mama and Daddy realized that well... we kinda do have to talk to you! LOL. So we did and things got better and you cheered up and you talked and talked the whole way home. Sigh...

At one point, you asked why Ye Ye and Nai Nai lived so far away. We said because we live near our work and Ye Ye and Nai Nai live near their work. You didn't really iunderstand and if you had had enough English, I am sure there would have been a lot of other questions about that but thankfully, you have to wait until you can speak enough English to ask complicated questions.

At home, you showed us all the things you bought (actually that Ye Ye and Nai Nai bought you along with the gifts from people) and gave us our presents. I really liked my bracelet. It was very very beautiful. And yes, you definitely have an eye for beautiful things.

We were worried about you wetting the bed from separation from Ye Ye and Nai Nai. But we talked to them on SKYPE and you peed before bed and on Tuesday, there was a dry bed with nary a pee in sight! Yahoo. I think we have the formula. Finally!

And that was about it. You missed Ye Ye and Nai Nai for a few days and you talked about The Moutains a lot. We said you might see them soon and we left it at that.

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 25th

It is a cloudy day. A little rainy in the morning. JJ awoke for find Pikachu's life had not changed... Nai Nai was also called to look upstairs. It was discovered sometime in the the night JJ had a bloody nose! While he slept. He was okay all day, though.

JJ has enjoyed talking and seeing hisMommy and Daddy on the computer. He knows tomorrow he will go home.

For breakfast, we had a delicious waffles with maple syrup.

Indoor play included art projects like a Thank you card-picture to Holly and Great Uncle Dom and Great Aunt Shirley.

JJ added to his window picture. He has been talking about his birthday May 8th. In his creation he put triangle hats on his growing window story. He said it is his birthday party.

A tent house was made over the pub table for play. Pikachu of course enjoyed it. After lunch we all took Cassiday for a walk in the woods. It was fun. We looked for the neighbor boy, Vinny Jr., but his family went out.

JJ got to talk on SKYPE with Aunt Judi, Uncle Paul, and Luke who just came in from his baseball game. He tells everyone about being a NY Yankee fan, and often about his birthday, May 8th.

JJ enjoyed playing a little game cube - Mario baseball. Nai Nai even played with him. JJ always won over Nai Nai.

Earlier in the day, Nai Nai began the teaching of a new card game, BS. To make it interesting with three players, Pikachu had his own hand. We need more practice.

After supper and a walk with Cassiday, it was movie time. Before that, however, we talked on SKYPE with Jordan.

The movie choice was Jungle Book, the story of Moguley who didn't want to go to the Man-Village. Moguley wants to stay in the jungle with Balu. It all works out.

Just at bedtime, JJ starts with another bloody nose. At first it was scary. We also took another trip outside to wish on the night star. No stars, only clouds and the moon.

Nai Nai stayed a while with JJ when he was in bed. He said he was sick. Nai Nai wonders if he is lonesome for Daddy and Mommy. A few checks in the night found JJ sleeping peacefully.

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 24th

After breakfast, we all went out shopping.

JJ found a gift for Mommy. It is a surprise.

The sunshine was calling us all outdoors after lunch. We got ready to fix the garden and plant seeds. But the neighbor family also came out to play. So JJ made a new friend. His name is Vinny Jr. They played out doors, running, sliding, and with boy toys. Later, JJ and Ye Ye finally were ready to come play in the gardens.

Ye Ye dug the garden with the small roto tiller until nice and fluffy. JJ tested it by making hand prints, knees and foot prints. Later, he used the rake to smooth out between the rows.

JJ helped Nai Nai plant many different seeds. Rows of radishes, peas, carrots, and lettuces. The seeds are different shapes. A pea seed is much bigger than a carrot seed.

A nice grilled chicken for dinner finished our outside day.

But before the indoor time, Ye Ye made a small fire in the fire pit circle. We all sat around it. Nai Nai read several stories from a new book of "Toad and Frog are Friends."

The movie pick for tonight is Pinocchio. JJ said many times he has seen this movie in China. He did enjoy it. Then he hadna idea. He wanted to make a wiwsh on the Wishing Star. So Nai Nai and JJ went out after the movie in the fark to make his wish.

The wish: That Pikachu would become real!

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 23rd

Breakfast was a learning for Nai Nai and JJ

He likes egg with a soft yolk. So Nai Nai took out the frying pan for eggs. JJ kept saying 'No." He wanted them cooked in the water.

"I know, I know." Okay. Nai Nai started the poached egg pan pan with its little cups.

JJ frowned, told her "no, no."

"I know, I know," Nai Nai said, "yes." Finally Nai Nai understood boiled eggs. So, JJ had 2 soft yolks of poached eggs. Then he had a boiled egg. It was all good.

After breakfast, we took the car trip to see the Museum, to see and touch the baby animals. And of course, to run outdoors.

We touched many babies! Cows, chickens, bunny, sheep, rabbit, goats. I did not feel the piglets.

JJ fed the cows. The cow's tongue is l-o-n-g! They grab the hay grass with their long tongue, quickly! It was fun!

JJ liked the map, too. Later, at home, JJ played with the same cars and trucks for a long time. And he was singing.

Nai Nai read a story book, "Julius." It had a "J" that Joseph had put there when he was learning to write.

Great Aunt Shirley, Uncle Dom and Holly came to the house. They brought gifts. Holly gave JJ her box of Pokemon cards, with Pikachu. Great Aunt Shirley and Uncle Don gave JJ a soft monkey. The monkey slept with Pikachu at night.

After dinner, JJ picked the Bambi movie.

Dear JJ has bug bites. They itch. We think he got them fishing. He is not used to the American bugs... We put stop itching medicine on them.

We also played with bubbles. That is an outside time.

In bed for the night time, he talked about "bad people." Nai Nai told him he was safe here.

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 22nd

In the morning, JJ used shapes of "colorforms" to make a great window art picture. It has people, a house with a symbol "Happy New Year". Also, it has a French window with a cow.

We walked Cassidy outside early and late.

JJ worked outside in the sunshine with Ye Ye. They gave the grapevine a branch cutting! JJ helped put the pieces it the wagon. When all done, JJ helped Ye Ye drive the tractor.

After a good lunch of hot dogs plus, JJ went to a truck ride and met Nai Nai to say hello to her firends at work. He listened not to run at work. JJ does a lot of fun running outside.

He played with the cars and truck waiting for Nai Nai to come from work. JJ had also played came cube for a little while. Then we did a quick shopping for oots beause the grass is wet in the mornings in the mountains. We got nice black and blue ones.

We all went to dinner at a restaurant. We met Great Uncle Mike ("GUM"), Great Aunt Leslie, Great Uncle John, and Great Aunt Sylvia. We had a lot of fun.

At home, JJ talked again with Mom and Daddy with the computer.

JJ's pick for the movie was Peter Pan. He liked it. JJ still is singing.

During the day, he observed a lttle chiadee building a nest in the birdhouse at the garden as he played. The bird worked for hours.

With Nai Nai in the morning we made food for the hummingbirds, and put up the feeder outside the kitchen window.

Vacation at Ye Ye and Nai Nai's: April 21st

A very nice sunny day
Nai Nai went to work.
Ye Ye and JJ went outdoors to play.

Nai Nai and JJ used bubbles for fun.

Ye Ye and JJ raked, put sticks in the wagon and used the tractor. After lunch with Nai Nai, the boys found more worms for fishing. JJ took a l-o-n-g worm from the garden.

Fishing takes waiting, waiting! Finally, a fish pulled on the line! Ye Ye said, "careful, careful" wheeling in. The fish was wiggly in JJ's hand. JJ played in the lake water, near the edge. It was fun. Ye Ye told JJ to let the fish go back into the water. JJ said, "Why? I want to eat him." But he very slowly placed the fish in the water. He swam away.

After dinner we had a movie JJ chose: "Mickey Mouse and Friends at Christmas."

Vacation at Ye Ye & Nai Nai's: April 20th

After breakfast, we went shopping

JJ found a Pikachu to bring home! And a book with toys from Toy Story.

We found sunglasses for JJ with Spiderman on them.

JJ learned to know his address, where he lives. He can say it and write it by himself.

After lunch, we went fishing. But first we had to find worms. We took a shovel down to the leaves compost. Many worms live there. Ye Ye and JJ put them in the worm box.

We went fishing at the lake. On the fishing pole a reel and a bobber and a fishing line. Fishing was good, but no fish! :o( We will go fishing again.

We went to Ye Ye's sister's home. Aunt Shirleyran around with JJ. She used to run around with JJ's Daddy.

Uncle Dom said he likes the Red Sox and got his hat. He saw JJ's NY Yankees hat. Uncle Dom told JJ ghe had heart surgery. He said the doctors gave him a chicken heart.

We had a "worm race." JJ's worm won the race in the garden.

At home JJ played with toys, and Pikachu went everywhere. So Nai Nai made a pocket for Pikachu to travel in.

JJ loves to be on the gliding swing. He goes high. He even jumps off. It is very good for a wiggley jiggley boy.

After dinner, a shower and a move with Curious George. Mommy and Daddy called on the computer. They took an airplane trip. We saw where they were. We talked. Then bedtime.

Vacation at Ye Ye and Nai Nai's: April 19th

Patriot's Day: Boston Marathon **
We, Nai Nai and JJ, made a LEGO's helicopter.

We all watched the race. We looked for Daddy on the TV, and his running time with the computer. Ye Ye found for us.

JJ learned Daddy's telephone number.

He helped Ye Ye crack eggs for breakfast. JJ sings after. He is happy and content, shows in his songs.

We the blue tents on the TV where Mommy was helping.
We saw the fast runners working hard. We saw the winners/. We saw how tired and hot and working so hard,, really hard work the wheel chair people. Daddy runs really hard.

We went in the afternoon to the museum called MOCA. At MOCA,in the "Kidspace" we had so much fun. JJ created using recycleables a 3D monkey. Everyone was very impressed with his creative thought.

Ye Ye and Nai Nai followed JJ's instructions, helping with the "cutting, hot glue." He saw the melting (and heat) of the plastic water bottles. The bottles were the bases for the monkey's body.

And Jasper made lovely drawing of his home for Mama and Baba.

We then went into the big part of the museum.

JJ was asked by an artist named Steve to help with his museum exhibit. JJ twisted and signed paper, he twisted into a long root.

We saw and liked art made from food. We saw a big cealing to floor art using candy wrappers. We saw a picture of a lion made out of broccoli. Nai Nai took a photo of JJ wiuth it. JJ did not want to leave "Kidspace." But the place was closing!

JJ really liked the big museum areas. He could run! He also saw the upside down growing trees.

We also went out to dinner at the Chinese restaurant, Chopstix. He enjoyed his supper, sushi salmon, plus, half of Ye Ye and some of Nai Nai's. He saidfortune cookies are Chinese.

On the way home, we drove over to see small planes at the airport. There were no helicopters.

Every night before bed (after we are ready) it is movie time. We have been watching Curious George. The cartoons are about planting, worms, composting, and recycling. We like it.

Vacation at Ye Ye and Nai Nai's: April 18th

Sunday: The Ride to Ye Ye & Nai Nai's house was l-o-n-g.

"Nai Nai and JJ baked up some muffins (pumpkin with red currants). JJ really liked breaking eggs into a bowl --- and, the electric mixer.

Jasper & ye Ye enjoyed the game cube.

We all took Cassidy walking. It was cold and rainy.

We made ice pops also called popscicles because JJ likes ice.

Yet he often wants his milk warmed."

Vacation at Ye Ye and Nai Nai's

During the week of April 19th, you spent a week at Ye Ye and Nai Nai's house. As luck would have it, it was not only your school vacation week, but Monday was Patriot's Day, which is also Boston Marathon day. Not to mention that on Saturday, it was our 6th wedding anniversary. And to celebrate, Baba decided that we would go to St. Lucia to Ladera Resort - not exactly a kid friendly place. And quite frankly, I needed some downtime away from the low-grade stress of dealing with a child all the time. Although one would argue I dealt less with you than Baba did.

I had also volunteered to do Elite Security detail again at the marathon - something I usually do when I am not running. And Lauren and Brian were also here to volunteer with me. And Baba was running. So we didn't know what exactly we were going to do with you. But it all worked out. All I have to say is Thank God for Ye Ye and Nai Nai!

Marathon weekend is a crazy weekend for us. We usually have about 13-15 people stay at the house, most of them runners. This was a light year - we had only 2 runners (Mary and Baba) and about 7 other people who were their to just volunteer.

Saturday night, we went to Big City for the Annual Marathon Dinner Encounter. You met a lot of Mama and Baba's friends, and Carrie also came with us. I made it clear to you that on this particular night, Carrie was not working. She was there as Mama's friend and to meet people. So, you happily occupied yourself with Little John (son of our friend John Young) and the two of you played pool together. It was fabulous.

Sunday Morning, Baba took you to Palmer, an hour away, where Ye Ye and Nai Nai met you to take you to The Mountains. And then he came back home.

When we picked you up a week later, Nai Nai handed me a diary of all the things you did while you were visiting them. And the next few entries are from the diary.

March Report: Still more catching up to do

Speech study:

We got the report back from the speech study. I was really disheartened about it. In a nutshell there are a couple of things happening:

1. you have a short palette - this means the back of the roof of your mouth doesn't go back far enough for the back of your tongue to hit. This is vital in making certain sounds. That is why you use the glottal stops. Anything that starts with the letter "g" sounds alike with funny "throat noises."


2. You have no pharangeal flap - this is vital to close of the nasal passage way when you swim so water doesn't go up your sinuses, and when you say certain letters that are aspirants, especially the "hard" aspirants or the "plosives" - that is about half of the alphabet. And this is also why you sound like your are holding your nose when you talk. The pharangeal flap you need is very wide. This is very disheartening.

Speech Therapy:

When we went to the cleft team appointment at the December, one of the people we met with was a speech pathologist. And the general belief was that at that time if we start speech therapy soon, you would be able to learn to talk generally "normal" as in "non-cleft affected" speech. She said that it might be 90% because of your age, meaning older. The younger you start with speech therapy the better.

I wanted to start speech therapy right away but the general concensus was to wait for the speech study and for you to acquire some language skills - hard to be directed on how to place your tongue to make certain sounds if you can't understand or speak English.

There are a few things going on:

1. you have sounds you can say well
2. There are sounds you cannot make at all because of your physical abnormalities, which include the hard sounds or the aspirants or "plosives" which include about half the alphabet
3. sounds you started to say when you were first learning to talk before your surgery to close the palette. These carried over even after the first sets of surgeries because no one bothered to correct you or help you say it correctly. I call these the bad habits. It's like when you say "hun mah" instead of "Shenma" which I KNOW YOU CAN SAY when I make you say it right. It totally has started to piss me off. I call this laziness and "not finishing your words"
4. There is also the issue of you learning English and the resulting "Chinese accent"

So there are a lot of things going on and only a speech therapist can help decipher all of it.

Also, during the surgery, Dr. Mulliken is going to fix a few things:

1. cut off the skin tags around your ears
2. enlarge your right nostril so your pictures end up looking good and you can actully breathe.
3. correct whatever is it that causes your "nose noises" and the inability to breathe right
4. fix the pinched lip right under that tiny little nostril

So, after the speech study, Baba called the doctor's office to find out when your p-flap surgery will be. They sort of schedule in - like a waiting line. Turns out that you are not scheduled until 2011. 2011!!! You will be 11.5 years old. ELEVEN AND A HALF!! If they think that you can get to 90% "normal speeach" at 8.5 years (and only if you work really really hard), then do you THINK that you will be able to talk right if you start at 11.5 years???

Also, there is the issue of those aesthetic things - like the skin flaps around the ears, the right nostril that is half the size of the left nostril, your deviated septum or whatever it is that causes you to make those "nose noises" when you breathe, and the scar on your upper lip, that gathers and pinches together right underneath your tiny nostril on the right side.

I know you do not notice any of it. I also know that you thought at one point that the ear skin was "cute." And that you looked "cute" with it. And that China told you at some point that you are special and cute and will have good luck as a result of it. Ok. Let me tell you this right now. It is NOT CUTE. It's not. They lied to you. And it is not special and not a sign of good luck. In fact you are already feeling the effects of it. You came home one day and told me you didn't like it and that you wanted to have it cut off. And when I asked if your friends said something you said, "yes." And yes, they will continue to tease you as long as you have these issues that are out of the so-called norm. I hated hearing that they teased you.

If you think that is bad, wait til they ask you about your little nostril, and why you talk funny, and why you have that funky scar on your upper lip. There are a lot of "upper lip" jokes and it will make you feel bad. And if we wait, until pre-adolesence, it will become worse. 11.5 years old? That is too late. Needless to say, I am NOT HAPPY about this.

Stress Response:

So far, uou have peed in bed three times. The first time, Baba found your underwear in the hamper. You got a scolding for that one. The key is to tell Baba and Mama what is happening right when it happens. It is not acceptable for us to find it a day or two days later. And it is good for you to remember that Baba and Mama will always find out. Better to come clearn right away.

Baba talked to Aunt Judi and it turns out that it could be a stress response. So we watched it. The first time it happened, we had had a lot of people at the house and Ye Ye and Nai Nai were also there. Then they left.

The second time it happened, it was when Ye Ye and Nai Nai had come to the house and then left.

The third time it happened, we had visited the Ye Ye and Nai Nai in the mountains and had come home. The next morning, you were awaken by your peeing in bed.

At least you knew it wasn't a "good" thing because you were appropriately upset.

Baba did some research and it seems that this is a common stress response more often in boys than girls and it is genetic. If your parents wet their beds, then you will too. Interesting. You will grow out of it but there is no telling when. Could be a year or two, could be until you are a teenager. Fabulous. Baba immediately went out and bought a plastic barrier and a plastic coated mattress pad. And Mama is working hard at keeping her opinions to herself.

I did ask you at one point whether China ever told you that you "talked funny." And you said "no." This was after your teacher told me that you asked a fluent mandarin speaker whether she understood Chinese or really spoke it because she kept asking to repeat yourself. Uh... we had a chat after that. First, because I thought it was disrespectful to say that to a teacher who is trying to help you. Secondly, you need to learn that sometimes we ourselves are half of the equation. And that not everyone else is at fault but that we might contribute to it ourselves in some way. We must learn to look inward sometimes. After they start talking to you and understanding your speech patterns, that goes up to about 60%. And within the context, they fill in the blanks.

School and Socialization:

Generally you are well liked and have friends. You were assigned to Gabriel to act as your intermediator since he was also an ELL student (2 or 3 years I think) and it was his job to translate and make sure that you got acclimated.

That must be a tough job. Every kid at some point gets "tired of babysitting the new kid." And there were brief times when you and Gabriel didn't get along, and you came home to say that Gabriel was "mean to" you. Well. It happens. But afterwards you generally made up and things moved along fine.

At one point, a group of kids had built an igloo and you basically smashed it. They told the teacher on you. That is definitely unacceptable behaviour, but I know that at some point, kids get tired of taking breaks in natural play to "wait for the slow one" or they get so focused on what they are doing that they forget to include you, which was made doubly harder because you couldn't speak the language and you couldn't understantd

Then there was Ling. You found her two days in a row to throw snowballs at her. Busted, again. Baba and I think you might have liked her a little or you might have liked the negative attention you received from her. It was attention, after all, better than nothing.

And then there was the picking up of things that didn't belong to you. And refusing to give it back to the little girl who said it was hers because, well, you had found it on the ground. Yes. We had a little chat about that too.

And then there was the wandering off. There was a lot of it. But so much to see, so many things to touch, things you never had in China - you didn't even have a basic ball and bat so these things in America were not only foreign but also a luxury. And the open classroom? Well... it just meant that you could wander farther and wider. Unacceptable.

And then you would go into the bathroom for 20 minutes. When the teacher sent someone in to find you, you were playing in the water. Not acceptable.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that although you are smart and quick to learn, you are a little bit behind socially. Especially in terms of playground politics. This is not surprising because you lived in an institution with a strict code of behaviour and definitions of good and bad. It's not that simple in America. But time will tell if your social cue-ing skills are any more developed - which I suspect they are.

But the good news is that you are doing better. Not wandering as much, not touching and taking as much. You are no longer destructive to get attention. And your English is steadily improving.

New Nanny

The first nanny, Ms Chen, decided to get a job at an MIT lab where her husband was doing a post doc. It was just as well. You could tell that she wasn't a "kid person" and I got the sense that although she liked you, she didn't entirely approve of you. And her liking you was sort of against her will. And having someone who could barely understand or speak English try to review your English homework with you was not entirely successful.

So Baba started looking for another nanny and told Li Laoshi that we did not care if this new Nanny was an American or if she could speak Chinese. Well... his message had the desired effect. Next thing we knew, Li Laoshi had interview 15 people and settled on 3 for us to talk to.

And thus entered Carrie. 25 years old. Student at Bunker Hill. Living with her Aunt and high-school aged nephew. With a 12 year old brother in China. And she could speak much better English, more flexible, personable, friendly, smiling, and liked kids. Perfct.

Baba and Mama interviewed her at the Starbucks around the corner. After the talk, she asked us "why a little boy from China?" And we didn't really know what to say except that Baba said, "it was meant to be." I didn't know at that point. I thought I knew but I wasn't sure any more so I let your Baba do all the talking.

Carrie then told me that she "didn't think that [she] could do this..." and that "we much be very good people" and that you "must be a very lucky little boy." She said this a few times to me when she first started and that she didn't understand your "fortune." How can you explain it?

I think it was love at first sight with you. Your first certifiable crush. You smiled and blushed and said that she was beautiful. Then after a week, you got brave and told her that you thought she was very beautiful. That would have been fine had you not then kept talking and told her that Baba agreeed with you that she was very beautiful. Uh... yes... we had a chat about tact and how in America we do not say things like tht to people, especially about Baba's and Mama's. You will also realize soon enough that Mama is extremely private. And we do not BLAB our private thoughts and business the people outside of the three of us.

Tantrums and Discipline:

Generally you have been pretty good. There have been a few tears, to which I didn't respond. Once I walked out of the room. And I think you got it pretty clearly that I am not a squishy, let-me-hug-you-and-spoli-you mom. I am more of a "yeah, kid, life sucks, buck up, and quit whining" kind of mom. For all your fortune in arriving in America, something had to go wrong right? Well, that is it.

In our house, we have 3 rules:

1. no whining
2. life is not fair
3. Mama/Baba is always right

I think you are starting to understand what that means.

One day, you and Baba were playing a game. And something happened. Maybe you cheated? You have been doing that. They say it happens around the age of 6 or 7 but since you are 8.5, I would think you are over it. But given that you like to WIN and you are SUPER COMPETITIVE and that you hate to LOSE, you like cheat and stack the deck and make up your own rules. I am wondering if this is the first clue as to whether you are somewhat developmentally delayed. I am sure in China, you didn't have much of an opportunity to play the Wii and win a lot. Anyway...

Mama was getting ready for a dinner we were all going to in celebration of Uncle Wayne's first grandson. And your Baba came up and said, "your son is on the couch balling his eyes out." And I thought, "huh, not MY son..." So I went down and there you were, fetal position on the couch, balling your eyes out.

You were crying. One of the things I cannot abide - crying children. I know. You're a kid and I have to put up with it. But you wouldn't stop. I felt so helpless and so did you Baba. Nice words didn't work. It was your first major meltdown. We should have given you time out, taken you to your room and shut the door, told you to come out when you decided to stop crying and join the family and talk to us. But we didn't have hours and day for you to decide to be good. We had to go to this dinner for Uncle Wayne. Uncle Wayne who met you in China and paid for that cup you dropped on the ground. Uncle Wayne you wiped up the hot tea and applied ice when you decided to goof off and threw hot tea on you as a result. The Uncle Wayne who is like a father to me. So we forced the issue and Mama blew her stack and Baba was also a bit upset.

Afterwards, you said you were frustrated because you couldn't say what you wanted to in English. Was that true? Maybe. Maybe not. I seriously think that is less true than the fact that for four months you lived with complete strangers, overrun by stimulation, constant movement of places and people, no stability or routine really, and for a kid that lines up his toys, folds his clothes, lines up our shoes in a row even when i don't want you to... all of that stimulation must have been devastating. I think the truth of it, if you could actually talk, is that you couldn't take the stress anymore.

So I am waiting for the next blow up. We will just take you to your room, a "safe place", shut the door, and wait until you are ready to come out. We will tell you that this is okay and that you can even do it yourself if you think you need a quiet place.

Bonding & Attachment:

I am not sure if you have really bonded. I know that Baba spends a lot of time with you and that you love being with him.

I know that you have bonded with the animals and that you love Boris the best.

I know that you have bonded with Ye Ye and Nai Nai to the point that you pee your pants with happiness and anxiety after they are gone.

Have you bonded with me? I am not sure. I think you are trying. And that you are probably trying a lot harder than I am trying. It's been hard and I am conflicted. I am finally admitting this to myself.