Attachment

It's been an interesting and difficult journey for me in attaching to you. And to think that all I worried about was you attaching to us.

First, I want to say that I am a deeply fallable person. I am also very complex and very contradictory in many ways. I know how deep my imperfection is because I have spent a lifetime trying to get closer to that elusive state of being called "Perfection."

Second, I am writing this down so you can know what your Mama is like. That I am very human and that I was never your saviour or rescuer. And that it's okay to talk about your feelings, no matter how sensitve the topic might be. So that one day when you read this, you will know the journey I went through to reach other side, where one day I do love you with all my heart. And that love will be worth so much more because it took root and clung to the desert of my heart, grew roots and finally bloomed, against all odds.

Third, I will say that right now, I am still on the journey. I am not there yet. And I might be crucified for saying that but the people who throw barbs and stones at this are all liars. They are not brave enough to admit that there are children and babies they don't think are cute, that sometimes they wish they never had their kids, that they wish one day they can just run away from it all. Instead they cover up all this with a blanket of flowers, hiding the worms and bugs that lay beneath. Your Mama is not one of those people.

When we first got you, I think you had decided, "this is it" and you knew you definitely wanted a family. I imagine that you saw all of the little girls in the orgphanage getting adopted and leaving the orphanage. I cannot imagine that when you asked the Nannies why, what they said to you. Because you are not a girl and no one wants boys? Because you are too old and people only want babies? Because you have cleft Lip and Clept Palate and no one wants a "defective child?" I know it sounds harsh but being Chinese isn't far from being Korean in many ways, one of which is that they all want "perfect" children. And in a country where you can only have one child, they will always want that perfect child. In fact, John Andrew, that little boy we saw adopted by another family was given up at the age of two by his family. We assumed because they had a "more perfect and better" little boy.

But you attached to us almost immediately. If you didn't, you put on a good show. You have a great "game face" after all.

I was okay through the first week. Then the second week, and the Honeymoon was definitely over. The ear things started bugging me. I didn't realize that the cleft would be so prominent or that half your nose was smaller than the other. I also didn't realize how you weren't able to talk right. And all of this started to wear on me. In fact, two weeks into it, the the Great Wearing of My Tolerance had started. And I don't have much patience or tolerance to being with.

We got home and things progressively got worse. I was depressed. And I didn't know why I decided to do adoption thing. I was trying to be a better person than I really was. What I really wanted was a little girl. A cute little huggable girl. And I felt cheated because you weren't that. At one point, I told your Daddy that all I wanted was a little girl. And instead, I got an almost-9 year old, not so cute, "defective" boy. And that I was hesitant when we started to adopt you at the age of 5, when you were almost turning 6. But you were cute enough and small enough to tug at my heart. And then two years later at 8 1/2 years old, practically grown, you come into our home, and I felt cheated. I felt cheated out of a little boy, a cute tiny little boy to hold and love. And I was so dejected that I started to question whether I really want to adopt your mei mei. In desperation I had visions of taking you back to China, undoing it all, thinking it was just a bad joke. In fact, I was so doubtful of all of it that I decided not to bring your mei mei home. And so at dinner one night I told you, "maybe we won't go to China to get your mei mei."

"Why??" you asked. You had this confused and plaintive look in your eyes. How could I tell you that I "just wasn't in the mood" for another "kid in the house."

So I said, "because Mama has you. And you are so good that Mama only needs one kid in the family." You thought about that a little bit and I could see your confusion. I don't think you totally bought it. At that point, Daddy walked in and he understood what was going on.

Daddy told me later that we would talk more about it during our vacation in April.
At some point, early into the process, Daddy said to me that maybe all that post partum depression we hear about on the news is something that is real. Something similar to what I was going through. And when I thought about it, the thoughts of escape are real and genuine. I don't condone drowning your babies or "doing away with them" but I could really understand the desperation that some people might go feel and those of a lesser mental state might actually go through with the darkest thoughts. In fact, if I had been a different person, and didn't have someone like your Daddy to blunt the pain, I could actually walk in their shoes and run away. Thoughts of actually packing up and leaving did enter my mind on a couple of ocassions. Thank God I am not that person.

A lot of this also translated to physical pain. The mind body connection is powerful and amazing. I know that my nerves were all frayed, being on end and alert for every little thing, and so that when normal things should be "absorbed" my nerves are totally sensitized and translating it as pain due to all the stress.

What stress?
Truthfully???

Stress of the:

• the job
• the kid
• resentment about all the kids issues, among other things
• having to freakin LOVE you even when I did not feel like it
• trying to be NICE all the damn time and censoring myself
• freaking medical bills (even with the insurance)
• the guilt from all of the above
• inability to work out
• not eating the right foods
• gaining all my weight back
• not being able to talk about anything to anyone without everyone telling me what and how and when I should be and do and feel and think and live, etc
• and a whole host of other things that have been put on hold because, well... basically, because you came home.

You see. No one cares what I think. They only care what they think. And how they feel I should feel about the situation. And people are careless and put themselves on other people without considerations. And it is always so easy to sit in judgment of others. I was so sick and tired of having people say to me:

• Isn't it so special? (Uh... actually, no. It's a pain. What is there to be special about?)
• Isn't he just the best? (I have no idea what "the best" means. He is just a kid. 8 years old, almost 9.)
• Don't you just LOVE HIM? Aren't you JUST in LOVE?? (Actually, No. I do not love him and I am not in love with him either. I am not there yet. I need more time!)

And it wasn't just perople at work but complete strangers and FAMILY. So, at some point, I decided to come out of my personal shame and started talking. Not just to everyone but a few that I know are "specialists" or understand the experience.

All I know is that you are a very lucky boy indeed. And in my mind that was and should really be enough. In China you would have been a ditch digger. In America, we gave you a future. And right now I think that should be enough. And my thinking is that you should be grateful and know how lucky you are. And not waste this opportunity. That is the thinking that I veered toward and it's hard to shake off because it's true. And a tiny piece of me feels that because of the sign you were born under and your personality, that you could very easily wallow in entitlement and taking for granted all the good things that have fallen into your lap.

My friend Maureen, a special ed teacher, told me that she would have been surprised if I had bonded right away. It will take a few years. He is not a young kid and that typically, Mother/Son bonding takes place between the ages of 2 and 4. And that I missed that entire experience and she felt sorry for me.

My doctor, who wasn't surprised said it would take a few years. She couldn't believe that I thought it would be immediate. In fact, it took her about a year with both of her children.

Brian said he has a sister who is very much like me. She didn't adopt; she had her own. And 3 1/2 years later, the bonding is finally happening.

Daddy went to the development doctor with you the other day and told her a little of my issues. She said she wasn't surprised. She told him that this was typical of "extremely successful women..." He took notes and I haven't read them thoroughly yet but I will.

Now there is less stress. I came home from my business trip last week and it finally dawned on me that "JJ is afraid" of me. And I wonder, are you afraid of ME? or are you afraid that you will not be able to make me happy, that you will be returned to the orphanage? In either case, I decided that wasn't a good thing. So I've spent the weekend trying to be more approachable, being more relaxed. And this weekend, you asked me for more hugs than you have in the last 6 months. Yes, you've been here six months.

The next step is to get back to some sort of workout routine so that I stop blaming you for taking away an integral part of who I am. This is vital to controlling my stress and will help keep me from continuing to see you as my jailer.

I think I am starting to come out of the abyss. Realizations are dawning on me. And your Daddy is always there. I can only pray that you will grow up like him. So, I am swimming up through the dark blue waters, and reaching for the glint of sunlight above. I know it's there. I am swmimming toward love and I know I will find it.