"Why did my Mama and Baba throw me away?"

It's been interesting. When you and I draw together, you always tell me something or ask me something that is more emotional than why birds fly.

I supposed that is why art therapy and touch therapy really works - it opens up the side of the brain that is more emotion than analytical. And I actually experience it working when we are drawing.

The first time, you told me about your Mama and Baba who threw you away, like the trash, into a trash can.

The second time, you told me about your friend in China, your best friend, the best number one person you knew in the whole world, who sat in a wheel chair with a curved back, no right leg, and a left leg with the heel of the foot growing out of his calf. I imagine that in China, you mostly saw boys with physical impairments and very few boys that we would call "normal boys." You said in China, this was "bad." And asked me, "in America?" And I said, "It's bad in America, too, JJ but most American Mama and Baba's do not throw their babies away like that." I always felt like he was asking me silently if his friend could come here. And I said nothing. I wish I were a better person than I am. But most importantly, I felt there was a veiled question about us throwing him away if he couldn't be fixed.

The last time it happened was this past weekend. We were drawing together and you asked me, "Why my China Mama, Baba throw me away?" In the past you never looked at me. This time, you asked the question and turned to face me.

What do I say? What can I tell you? And I wonder about the deep pain that you might be in to ask these types of questions. To know and be cognizant enough to equate yourself as trash. And then to know that you are worth enough for someone to want you and adopt you and bring you into abundance. What must you be thinking? How must you be feeling? It does tell me that you are not a shallow little boy and that you have the ability to really and truly think and feel. It was something I was afraid you wouldn't be able to do well, or even, at all. For me, THIS is what is required for bonding...

So when you looked at me, I searched your eyes and I said, "I don't know, JJ."
You turned back to draw, and said, "Why? Why throw me away?"
So, I said, "they didn't know you would be such a good boy. And that you could work so hard. And they didn't have enough money to fix your mouth and nose. But you're here with us now. And we will fix you and we all know you are a very good boy and that you work very very hard."

He got up and asked me for a hug.
I wish I knew what you were thinking and feeling at that moment.
But I bet it was less about love than it was about relief.

No matter where you and I are in life and in our relationship...
You matter.
Yes, you do.