March Report: Still more catching up to do

Speech study:

We got the report back from the speech study. I was really disheartened about it. In a nutshell there are a couple of things happening:

1. you have a short palette - this means the back of the roof of your mouth doesn't go back far enough for the back of your tongue to hit. This is vital in making certain sounds. That is why you use the glottal stops. Anything that starts with the letter "g" sounds alike with funny "throat noises."


2. You have no pharangeal flap - this is vital to close of the nasal passage way when you swim so water doesn't go up your sinuses, and when you say certain letters that are aspirants, especially the "hard" aspirants or the "plosives" - that is about half of the alphabet. And this is also why you sound like your are holding your nose when you talk. The pharangeal flap you need is very wide. This is very disheartening.

Speech Therapy:

When we went to the cleft team appointment at the December, one of the people we met with was a speech pathologist. And the general belief was that at that time if we start speech therapy soon, you would be able to learn to talk generally "normal" as in "non-cleft affected" speech. She said that it might be 90% because of your age, meaning older. The younger you start with speech therapy the better.

I wanted to start speech therapy right away but the general concensus was to wait for the speech study and for you to acquire some language skills - hard to be directed on how to place your tongue to make certain sounds if you can't understand or speak English.

There are a few things going on:

1. you have sounds you can say well
2. There are sounds you cannot make at all because of your physical abnormalities, which include the hard sounds or the aspirants or "plosives" which include about half the alphabet
3. sounds you started to say when you were first learning to talk before your surgery to close the palette. These carried over even after the first sets of surgeries because no one bothered to correct you or help you say it correctly. I call these the bad habits. It's like when you say "hun mah" instead of "Shenma" which I KNOW YOU CAN SAY when I make you say it right. It totally has started to piss me off. I call this laziness and "not finishing your words"
4. There is also the issue of you learning English and the resulting "Chinese accent"

So there are a lot of things going on and only a speech therapist can help decipher all of it.

Also, during the surgery, Dr. Mulliken is going to fix a few things:

1. cut off the skin tags around your ears
2. enlarge your right nostril so your pictures end up looking good and you can actully breathe.
3. correct whatever is it that causes your "nose noises" and the inability to breathe right
4. fix the pinched lip right under that tiny little nostril

So, after the speech study, Baba called the doctor's office to find out when your p-flap surgery will be. They sort of schedule in - like a waiting line. Turns out that you are not scheduled until 2011. 2011!!! You will be 11.5 years old. ELEVEN AND A HALF!! If they think that you can get to 90% "normal speeach" at 8.5 years (and only if you work really really hard), then do you THINK that you will be able to talk right if you start at 11.5 years???

Also, there is the issue of those aesthetic things - like the skin flaps around the ears, the right nostril that is half the size of the left nostril, your deviated septum or whatever it is that causes you to make those "nose noises" when you breathe, and the scar on your upper lip, that gathers and pinches together right underneath your tiny nostril on the right side.

I know you do not notice any of it. I also know that you thought at one point that the ear skin was "cute." And that you looked "cute" with it. And that China told you at some point that you are special and cute and will have good luck as a result of it. Ok. Let me tell you this right now. It is NOT CUTE. It's not. They lied to you. And it is not special and not a sign of good luck. In fact you are already feeling the effects of it. You came home one day and told me you didn't like it and that you wanted to have it cut off. And when I asked if your friends said something you said, "yes." And yes, they will continue to tease you as long as you have these issues that are out of the so-called norm. I hated hearing that they teased you.

If you think that is bad, wait til they ask you about your little nostril, and why you talk funny, and why you have that funky scar on your upper lip. There are a lot of "upper lip" jokes and it will make you feel bad. And if we wait, until pre-adolesence, it will become worse. 11.5 years old? That is too late. Needless to say, I am NOT HAPPY about this.

Stress Response:

So far, uou have peed in bed three times. The first time, Baba found your underwear in the hamper. You got a scolding for that one. The key is to tell Baba and Mama what is happening right when it happens. It is not acceptable for us to find it a day or two days later. And it is good for you to remember that Baba and Mama will always find out. Better to come clearn right away.

Baba talked to Aunt Judi and it turns out that it could be a stress response. So we watched it. The first time it happened, we had had a lot of people at the house and Ye Ye and Nai Nai were also there. Then they left.

The second time it happened, it was when Ye Ye and Nai Nai had come to the house and then left.

The third time it happened, we had visited the Ye Ye and Nai Nai in the mountains and had come home. The next morning, you were awaken by your peeing in bed.

At least you knew it wasn't a "good" thing because you were appropriately upset.

Baba did some research and it seems that this is a common stress response more often in boys than girls and it is genetic. If your parents wet their beds, then you will too. Interesting. You will grow out of it but there is no telling when. Could be a year or two, could be until you are a teenager. Fabulous. Baba immediately went out and bought a plastic barrier and a plastic coated mattress pad. And Mama is working hard at keeping her opinions to herself.

I did ask you at one point whether China ever told you that you "talked funny." And you said "no." This was after your teacher told me that you asked a fluent mandarin speaker whether she understood Chinese or really spoke it because she kept asking to repeat yourself. Uh... we had a chat after that. First, because I thought it was disrespectful to say that to a teacher who is trying to help you. Secondly, you need to learn that sometimes we ourselves are half of the equation. And that not everyone else is at fault but that we might contribute to it ourselves in some way. We must learn to look inward sometimes. After they start talking to you and understanding your speech patterns, that goes up to about 60%. And within the context, they fill in the blanks.

School and Socialization:

Generally you are well liked and have friends. You were assigned to Gabriel to act as your intermediator since he was also an ELL student (2 or 3 years I think) and it was his job to translate and make sure that you got acclimated.

That must be a tough job. Every kid at some point gets "tired of babysitting the new kid." And there were brief times when you and Gabriel didn't get along, and you came home to say that Gabriel was "mean to" you. Well. It happens. But afterwards you generally made up and things moved along fine.

At one point, a group of kids had built an igloo and you basically smashed it. They told the teacher on you. That is definitely unacceptable behaviour, but I know that at some point, kids get tired of taking breaks in natural play to "wait for the slow one" or they get so focused on what they are doing that they forget to include you, which was made doubly harder because you couldn't speak the language and you couldn't understantd

Then there was Ling. You found her two days in a row to throw snowballs at her. Busted, again. Baba and I think you might have liked her a little or you might have liked the negative attention you received from her. It was attention, after all, better than nothing.

And then there was the picking up of things that didn't belong to you. And refusing to give it back to the little girl who said it was hers because, well, you had found it on the ground. Yes. We had a little chat about that too.

And then there was the wandering off. There was a lot of it. But so much to see, so many things to touch, things you never had in China - you didn't even have a basic ball and bat so these things in America were not only foreign but also a luxury. And the open classroom? Well... it just meant that you could wander farther and wider. Unacceptable.

And then you would go into the bathroom for 20 minutes. When the teacher sent someone in to find you, you were playing in the water. Not acceptable.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that although you are smart and quick to learn, you are a little bit behind socially. Especially in terms of playground politics. This is not surprising because you lived in an institution with a strict code of behaviour and definitions of good and bad. It's not that simple in America. But time will tell if your social cue-ing skills are any more developed - which I suspect they are.

But the good news is that you are doing better. Not wandering as much, not touching and taking as much. You are no longer destructive to get attention. And your English is steadily improving.

New Nanny

The first nanny, Ms Chen, decided to get a job at an MIT lab where her husband was doing a post doc. It was just as well. You could tell that she wasn't a "kid person" and I got the sense that although she liked you, she didn't entirely approve of you. And her liking you was sort of against her will. And having someone who could barely understand or speak English try to review your English homework with you was not entirely successful.

So Baba started looking for another nanny and told Li Laoshi that we did not care if this new Nanny was an American or if she could speak Chinese. Well... his message had the desired effect. Next thing we knew, Li Laoshi had interview 15 people and settled on 3 for us to talk to.

And thus entered Carrie. 25 years old. Student at Bunker Hill. Living with her Aunt and high-school aged nephew. With a 12 year old brother in China. And she could speak much better English, more flexible, personable, friendly, smiling, and liked kids. Perfct.

Baba and Mama interviewed her at the Starbucks around the corner. After the talk, she asked us "why a little boy from China?" And we didn't really know what to say except that Baba said, "it was meant to be." I didn't know at that point. I thought I knew but I wasn't sure any more so I let your Baba do all the talking.

Carrie then told me that she "didn't think that [she] could do this..." and that "we much be very good people" and that you "must be a very lucky little boy." She said this a few times to me when she first started and that she didn't understand your "fortune." How can you explain it?

I think it was love at first sight with you. Your first certifiable crush. You smiled and blushed and said that she was beautiful. Then after a week, you got brave and told her that you thought she was very beautiful. That would have been fine had you not then kept talking and told her that Baba agreeed with you that she was very beautiful. Uh... yes... we had a chat about tact and how in America we do not say things like tht to people, especially about Baba's and Mama's. You will also realize soon enough that Mama is extremely private. And we do not BLAB our private thoughts and business the people outside of the three of us.

Tantrums and Discipline:

Generally you have been pretty good. There have been a few tears, to which I didn't respond. Once I walked out of the room. And I think you got it pretty clearly that I am not a squishy, let-me-hug-you-and-spoli-you mom. I am more of a "yeah, kid, life sucks, buck up, and quit whining" kind of mom. For all your fortune in arriving in America, something had to go wrong right? Well, that is it.

In our house, we have 3 rules:

1. no whining
2. life is not fair
3. Mama/Baba is always right

I think you are starting to understand what that means.

One day, you and Baba were playing a game. And something happened. Maybe you cheated? You have been doing that. They say it happens around the age of 6 or 7 but since you are 8.5, I would think you are over it. But given that you like to WIN and you are SUPER COMPETITIVE and that you hate to LOSE, you like cheat and stack the deck and make up your own rules. I am wondering if this is the first clue as to whether you are somewhat developmentally delayed. I am sure in China, you didn't have much of an opportunity to play the Wii and win a lot. Anyway...

Mama was getting ready for a dinner we were all going to in celebration of Uncle Wayne's first grandson. And your Baba came up and said, "your son is on the couch balling his eyes out." And I thought, "huh, not MY son..." So I went down and there you were, fetal position on the couch, balling your eyes out.

You were crying. One of the things I cannot abide - crying children. I know. You're a kid and I have to put up with it. But you wouldn't stop. I felt so helpless and so did you Baba. Nice words didn't work. It was your first major meltdown. We should have given you time out, taken you to your room and shut the door, told you to come out when you decided to stop crying and join the family and talk to us. But we didn't have hours and day for you to decide to be good. We had to go to this dinner for Uncle Wayne. Uncle Wayne who met you in China and paid for that cup you dropped on the ground. Uncle Wayne you wiped up the hot tea and applied ice when you decided to goof off and threw hot tea on you as a result. The Uncle Wayne who is like a father to me. So we forced the issue and Mama blew her stack and Baba was also a bit upset.

Afterwards, you said you were frustrated because you couldn't say what you wanted to in English. Was that true? Maybe. Maybe not. I seriously think that is less true than the fact that for four months you lived with complete strangers, overrun by stimulation, constant movement of places and people, no stability or routine really, and for a kid that lines up his toys, folds his clothes, lines up our shoes in a row even when i don't want you to... all of that stimulation must have been devastating. I think the truth of it, if you could actually talk, is that you couldn't take the stress anymore.

So I am waiting for the next blow up. We will just take you to your room, a "safe place", shut the door, and wait until you are ready to come out. We will tell you that this is okay and that you can even do it yourself if you think you need a quiet place.

Bonding & Attachment:

I am not sure if you have really bonded. I know that Baba spends a lot of time with you and that you love being with him.

I know that you have bonded with the animals and that you love Boris the best.

I know that you have bonded with Ye Ye and Nai Nai to the point that you pee your pants with happiness and anxiety after they are gone.

Have you bonded with me? I am not sure. I think you are trying. And that you are probably trying a lot harder than I am trying. It's been hard and I am conflicted. I am finally admitting this to myself.